or are you beautiful because i love you?

i like this. a lot.

also, go here http://www.savebluelikejazz.com/ . this book saved me from imminent crash and burn. changed my life. made me who i am today. i found jesus and his big, huge, beautiful heart through this book. i don't have any money, because i am a missionary. but at least pray for them, even if you can't give. this will reach millions with the truth! (and i don't mean that in a hokey way. this is for real. the love of jesus here, folks.)

so i've been swamped lately, working on my big fundraiser. i'm a little bit nervous.... but i know it always comes in the end. i've never been dropped or left out in the cold yet. so stay tuned. you're all always a big part of these things. when the plan is made, you'll find it here!

peace.

i'm a buffalo soldier

i think of all the types of days i've encountered over the years, cloudy ones with a touch of wind are my favorite. you know, the long pants, light sweatshirt, and maybe a scarf or two, types. a little sigh just escaped as i sat down. my menagerie strewn about me, books, pens, grapes. sitting in the window. gorgeous fall colors all around. settling in for the long haul. this is my home for real. no matter where home is.

i think my heart is more able to be quiet because of the glorious blessings of the morning. i woke up early. early enough to make a couple of loaves of banana-peach chocolate chip bread (which i can personally testify to you, is quite delicious). i was wondering at the idea that waiting for things to bake is sacred time. it's time when focus on much else will cause catastrophe, and you are granted that span of moments to bask in the smell and feel of creating something (and the lovely proof that you are not totally bereft of talent at that whole being a woman thing, ahem). so i can check that off the list. of all the things i cannot or have not made, i am a madwoman with fruit breads involving bananas :)

my next appointment of the day was to speak to a sunday school class for some friends of mine. they wanted to hear about bolivia and what i have been up to the past couple of years. i was terrified. now, keep in mind, particularly if you are one of the lovely ladies who invited me, that the last time i spoke for a sunday school class at my church, i was sharply reprimanded and sent out as soon as i was done, for taking up time (that was alloted to me, i didn't ask for it), by a horrifying woman who has no sense of social propriety or company manners. yes, kids, that sometimes happens at church. so i came into this, knowing logically that these were my friends, but feeling a little jumpy at the same time. only to find....

i have never felt such peace and welcome in my life! loralee and carissa..... if you read, you have to know that your interest in my life and support for me and for my project are what makes it possible for me to hold on like i do. you help me be what you admire most about me. so thank you :) from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

so now here i sit. ready to contemplate the meaning of life (ha). and bask in every kind of provision as it has been granted to me. glory be!

here's a picture of the joy of my heart to brighten your day as you go....

you are good when there's nothing good in me...

you know what i love?

coffee. like a lot. okay, probably too much.... so that's what i'm up to right now. tee hee.

i love the band crooked still, having been introduced to them by my sister sarah. this girl's voice is unbelievable!

i have loved having my darling katie here with me these past few days. yesterday we spent the afternoon with sarah and baby ethan, and heaven met earth for a moment. isn't he perfect??? i might be a little biased :) (he's rocking his bluegrass bandana on the left, and getting auntie kate and nona kisses on the right)

these girls are two of my three. there really is nothing like sarah, kate, and i being in the same place. and god gave us 3 or 4 good days together. bluegrass festivals, pizza parties, and lots of auntie time with the little punkin head :) oh, glory!

my heart has been so heavy lately with a happy burden. i've been praying and praying about the future and what god is doing with my community here. specifically with the NEXT community. and it all seems to good to be true. NEXT is the service we have at 6 on sunday nights in the back of the coffee shop. we started it 4 years ago when i moved back to wichita. i actually moved back specifically to do this ministry, and four years later, we are going strong. lately it seems, with the unrest and starvation i have been wading through spiritually, i am more and more drawn to the idea that those around me must be starving as well. and i am prepared now to take responsibility for that. or at least to begin moving in that direction.

we need a goal. we need a purpose to push is forward as a community. to bind us together. we need honesty and grace. not just to talk about and uphold grace, but to live it and exercise it. and the burden i have been given is to steer my people in that direction. god's given me the vision. so here i go!

also, i love sleepovers. i love sleepovers with leta reppert. in the guest house behind HOH. woot.

till the sun turns black

i borrowed this picture from a blog that i have begun to read most every morning. farmama. she is amazing! i love her thoughts and wisdom. her regard for the land, love for her family. she's such an inspiration to me!

it's been prodding at me to figure out what i really want out of life. i have spent several hours in the car pondering, and i have some ideas.

when i grow up (ahem) i want to be a professor. of anthropology. i want to write interesting (to me) things and publish them for other nerdy people who want to understand human nature and its crazy tendencies. i want to spend too much time reading books. and spend too much time with my family and friends. i want to have too many nieces, nephews, and godchildren, cluttering up my space and messing up my cleanliness. i want to spend my days slowly. in awe of all the small things around me. growing things. teaching piano lessons. i am really excited that i get to start now.

i am sitting here in this little coffee shop, in my old home town, reading pete rollins' blog. mmmhmmm, good stuff :) i am so in love with his brain.... anyway. the september 1st post was really interesting, speaking of love, being in love, and what it really means to love someone purely for who they are. it sort of reminds me of how i think god feels about us. in a microcosmic sort of way, of course.

"If someone asks why you love them there is something obscene in the mere listing of traits. For while these may contribute to your connection with the other, love addresses something deeper. It is attached to a property unlike all other properties. I may like you because you are attractive, interesting and creative, but I love you because you are you. Because there is something excessive about you that emanates from the totality of your attributes but which cannot be reduced to them."

similarly, where grace is concerned, we tend to look for ways to earn the love of our father. ways to make it worth his while. and the funniest part of that is that it's akin to trying to name the thing that makes you love your soul mate. the children of your loved ones. your best friend. nigh impossible, says i. it's the warmth. the little tingle that brings the smile to your face. the recognition of that thing that binds your souls. like breathing deeply in the morning.

i love it that he thinks of me that way :) and i adore seeing the evidence of that alive in my life. be blessed today, beloved.

in the still of the night

i have decided to force you all to read my blog. why? because it is pretty. and i like it better than facebook notes. so here it is, the attempt. will i succeed..... ?

i thought i would begin by updating you with the great blessings i find crowding around me these days. god has been so good to meet all of my needs in strange and outrageous ways. i have found myself with a beautiful little apartment just down the street from my favorite house i ever lived in, in my favorite part of town. i have a wonderful phone, and the same as the apartment, it is thanks to the lovely leta and her generosity while she is away. i am slowly working back into schedules, meetings, ministry, and beginning to contemplate the idea of working on my actual "work" again. vacation is about over....

tonight, i am sitting here in the kitchen, facing the new burgundy mums that miss kate davis so sweetly gifted me a few days ago. a big bowl of ripe bananas, peaches, and avocados sits next to my jar of teas for the mornings. the windows are open to let in the cool air, and i can hear the crickets chirping outside. even the wind rustling the leaves of the trees registers somewhere in my senses. i am in pajamas, drinking apple juice, thanking god for my wonderful family, my precious community, and the life that is so much more than i could have ever dreamed or asked for.

granted, everything is not perfect. nearly always, there is a point in the day when i long for what i do not have. i want to speak spanish. i can't understand the culture here. i am hungry for a decent papaya. and sometimes i miss the anonymity and solitude of the life i live daily in bolivia. especially when the time flies by here, filled with meeting after meeting, appointment after appointment, and everyone clamors for attention from me, disappointed when they cannot have it all.

but more than anything, i am just relieved. this is my country. this is my home. these are my friends, my chosen family, really. my parents are just a few hours away. i can call my brother and sister on the phone whenever i want. and most of all, i see such beauty and calm settling over a heart that has strained and yearned too long for rest and comfort. it has finally arrived. and i intend to enjoy it to the fullest :)

no place like home...

so i've been missing for a while. i will save you the exhaustive update.

i am alive. some things happened. i survived. i am home.

i'm currently in that hibernatory state that occasionally creeps up on me when i am overwhelmed.

and i am overwhelmed.

don't get me wrong. i am so happy to be home, just totally peopled out. i am sure it is only for the day. right now i am hiding in a strategic location, gloriously lost in looking at pretty fabric patterns and contemplating the future activities in my visit. praying for my friend and her family in the loss of her mom. dreaming about my project and seeking that new perspective that will launch me when i return to it in october. missing my family like crazy. worrying about money.

and i am so grateful for it all :)

so good to be home again.

take only what you need from it

quite a day yesterday. it occurs to me that i would dearly love to be working in a coffee shop today. reading a book. talking to people. watching the sun move over the floor tiles. i've grown quite impatient waiting for who knows what to happen so we can get started.

yesterday i began a consulting arrangement with a hotel here in cocha. a really beautiful, peaceful, expensive hotel :) not only did i have the time of my life, i realized how much i miss getting to really work. watching someone's face when i make them a drink that they've never had before. something amazing they didn't know was possible. and the smell....

of the air that drifted through the halls. drawing people in from the gardens. in my clothes last night when i put on my pajamas. in my nose when i left, tempting me to return. that smell when i got the grind just right, and pulled the perfect shot, in just the right amount of time.... *sigh*

i miss that. tomorrow they are delivering my furniture for the smaller cafe in the hospital. after it arrives, i will take a picture, and go out to find beautiful things to add to the shelves and counter space to make it lovely. i'm so ready. we won't make much money there. but it's the idea of it. something beautiful and different. something to comfort the people waiting.

coffee is such an amazing thing :)

deep red bells

i just realized that it's really been almost exactly a month since i've written anything. i suppose i spend so much time living that i forget to write home about it :) i didn't think you'd mind.

things have changed so much in the past month. i've moved down the hill to a friend of mine's old house. she has moved back to the states, and i have taken over her house and i'm temporarily responsible for her two dogs. wow. dogs. i haven't ever had dogs on my own before, and i must say, it's a tough job! they don't reason like kids do....

last night i policed bedtime with 7 rowdy kids at the orphanage and had them all asleep within 15 minutes. but you can reason with them. "if you don't quit mouthing off and being rude, i am going to tell tia elena (house mom) everything you have said and done." "NO tia, NO!" snore. and another. "but tia, i am in a bed. i'm in leydi's bed. because....i need to change my pajamas." "are your pajamas in leydi's bed?" "well no...." shuffle shuffle. "goodnight, tia." snore. but the dogs?

"why have you eaten my book? AGAIN?" blank stare. tail wag. "why did you eat nicholas' book too???? it's not even mine! and it was up on the shelf!!" blank stare. whine. feet over the eyes. and you can be sure, the very next time i leave them alone for too long. chomp, chomp, chomp.

so long, shoes.

so long, random papers by the phone.

so long, texas chainsaw massacre playing cards.

dogs.

many other very random amazing things have been happening lately. for instance, i randomly ran into a friend of a friend when i was out with said friend, and it turned out, her friend has just started an NGO here to work with impoverished folks. what's more, our causes are intertwined! so we agreed to meet, and in our meeting, discovered that we can do great things together and for one another. there's a small chance i will be joining forces and becoming part of this NGO, as they have formally asked me, and i am seriously considering it. more information to follow, when more definite decisions are made, of course. but it will make absolutely everything about my time here easier and more efficient if i do become part of it. not only that, i have been blessed with some sweet consulting jobs. so everything seems to be rounding out nicely.

in addition to all this, we have decided to start a small cafe in the hospital, and it looks like we'll have it open in a few weeks. joy! the furniture has been ordered, to be shipped this week, and we're on our way :) now if we can just get the coffee machine working again...

the greatest blessings by far have been the growing partnerships we've been given with this project. not long after i arrived, nicholas offered to work with me, and has since been the most amazing help to me. in truth, we've accomplished so much more together than we could have separately, or i could have without him. and recently, our friend mari has offered to join forces with us as well. without divulging too much detail, i can say that our projects can, and really should, coexist in the same space. so we're looking for a place where we can be together and work to accomplish our similar goals. each project strengthening a place in which the other is weak.

so that's about it. i have a beautiful home. wonderful community. and i love living here.

hi, my name is brianna. i live in cochabamba..... gulp. indefinitely :)

could we find freedom?

one of the greatest strains/most amazing accomplishments a missionary can accrue, is wrapping your brain around the time and location issue. i feel like i have little epiphanies all day long, each one revealing a little piece of the picture. as if this life i'm leading is a puzzle and i am missing several pieces. only when i forget everything else, and become immersed in the moment, can i find them, one at a time. this is the one moment when the goal is most clear, and one begins to develop more and stronger cravings for those moments as time progresses.

my time here is so different from the time i spend at home. for instance, when you want something, it is often not available. gas for the stove. bananas at 9 pm. food that doesn't require extensive preparation. to hug your god-daughters or niece. but it's the lack of those things that often make you stronger in the end. for one thing....no gas for the stove means no eating at bad times of night. same with the other two. and no hugs means more anticipation and more words about the times when hugs can be had. this is not a place of instant gratification.

i've seen some really beautiful pieces of the puzzle lately. today in particular, i received a rather large one. there's a really beautiful palace/giant house here called the palace of doors. palacio de portales. it's old. and beautiful. and full of history. there are gardens all around it, art and sculpture. i'd only been there during the day previously, walking in the gardens with nicholas, or on a tour of the house with the volunteers. tonight there was a concert, part of a festival of bach pieces to be played over the course of a month or so. the chamber orchestra played in the ballroom of the house, and the four of us (myself, nicholas, kelley, and amy) decided to attend.

sitting in the old wooden chairs, under the precisely maintained painted ceilings. the grand staircase rising up behind my head. the imported french damask silk walls shining in the light. a clavinette, viola di gambo, cello, flute, and violin serenaded us. bach or no bach, however one feels about baroque music, the weight of history and participation in something magnificent, was tangible. in the beginning i did not notice my surroundings and their call for my attention. i lost myself watching the colors dance and thinking of home. putting myself back in alumni auditorium. under the rose window. behind the black curtain. clarinets in my lap, reeds in my mouth. the smell of music and old ink.

i could have stayed there forever. evading the reality of my distance not only in space, but in time from that particular place. but the thought occurred to me at some point, that i was missing the silk. the huge wooden doors that the house was named for, opening to admit the fresh night air and the smell of the gardens. the grand staircase. the ballroom. something became terribly clear to me at that exact moment.

my life will always be what i choose to make it. i can attend chamber concerts at home. i can attend them here. i can read and enrich my mind at home. i can read and enrich my mind here. i can be myself at home, and i can, and really must be myself here. the time is too short and too valuable. too valuable to refuse to see the reality of what is happening around me, and truly participate in it.

we must be present. we must be grateful. we must choose to clear away the blinders of discontent and choose to make our lives something good and beautiful.

it's so very possible, it's overwhelming.

no more diamonds.

i've begun this several times. just watching the blinking cursor over and over. waiting for the words to come. i'm giving up. i'll just push forward....

the trip here was smooth. only one little hiccup at the very end with the miami to santa cruz flight lasting longer than expected, causing me to miss my flight from santa cruz to cochabamba. i have to tell you, by the time i finally arrived at the airport here, i was so happy to know i hadn't dreamed it all before, that i couldn't contain myself.

the very first thing i did was call marcelo and ale to come get me. the second thing was to pile my giant assortment of baggage (that all made it here this time!!!) at brazilian cafe and order jugo de maracuya con agua.

the greatest ridiculousness of culture shock is how often you find yourself certain that everything is fine and you are adjusting perfectly. inevitably, moments later you become a babbling idiot. i tried to think of good examples, but they're all too humiliating. take my word for it. just think of me getting lost looking for shower curtains in la cancha and forgetting the ENGLISH word for them.

all in all, i believe that my body and my brain are finally in agreement concerning where i am, as of some time this afternoon. i don't feel lost anymore. i don't wake up thinking i'm at home. or wondering how i got into barb's room. i smell things and see things that i remember. and best of all, i can have a meal with spanish speakers and actually carry on important conversations. i even saw my first full movie in spanish (alice in wonderland), and i didn't miss a thing language wise. like riding a bike.

so don't worry about me. it was one of the worst feelings i've ever felt when i had to go through security that morning, never wonder how deeply i carry you all in my heart. but that time seems far away now, thank goodness. and i have things to do.

here's a good story to finish. one of our best and brightest boys came to amy's house today and i got a chance to see him. he has such a beautiful smile and sweet spirit. he told me he was so glad i came back, and had been waiting to see me. when i gave him my number so he could call if he needed anything, he looked at me earnestly with sober eyes, and promised he would. i'm praying fervently for him to trust me. that's how he'll know. how he'll know that god wants him and cares for him. it will be wonderful to see him understand love.

so this is joy (terrible, awful, the leaving)

the time is drawing near once again. it's time for the leaving.

a person would imagine that at some point the leaving would feel less severe. that the ache of being separated would ease, and the body would remember how good it feels to come back, and how soon that time seems to arrive. and simultaneously remember how sometimes being back hurts worse than the leaving.

a person would imagine "if everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind," as the song says, that the hole would eat up life at some point and overtake the soul. or maybe that's just how the leaving feels at it's core.

maybe the leaving is, at it's best, a reminder of how deep love can permeate. and at it's worst, a situation that can trick and keep one complacent and stagnant in fear of loss or missed experiences.

whatever it is, rest assured that the leaving will rend me in two more viciously and violently this time than ever before. it's nothing we've done wrong. nothing i could have prepared for. it's something we've done right. incredibly, painfully, beautifully, right.

thank you for making the leaving so dreadfully perfect. and so necessary. you know who you are.

the music makes me feel so beautiful

sun kil moon always makes me feel beautiful and sort of blushy. like the harmony and sweetness of it meshes with my cells and brightens my countenance by proximity. radiohead does that sometimes too.

my booth faces the big glass windows in the front of one of my favorite coffee shops. i like this shop. i like this booth. i like the coffee. and i love the cloudy day. even when i was opening my own shop, i still came here in the afternoons. maybe it's for the anonymity. maybe it's for the variety. maybe i'm a coffee shop whore :)

so, coming home was hard. it was all so anticipatory on the airplane. when they finally let me out of the passport control and customs in bolivia, i was so shaken up and nervous that i cried off and on half the way to jamaica. lol. luckily the lady next to me didn't speak english, so i was able to distract myself by talking to her and helping her order her food and such. god knows what we need.

the phrase "no te preocupes" (don't worry) was a staple in that whole process, and it is now and will be forever one of the most comforting phrases i have ever heard...thank god for those words.

after enjoying my first peppermint mocha at starbucks in the miami airport, i said goodbye to my lovely ruth (very hard to do) and found another starbucks to pass the time while i waited to finally head home to the midwest. all the flights were miraculously on time. and there was snow waiting for me in dallas along with a very good friend who i was perfectly delighted to see. after a brilliant night in a huge bed with a real down comforter, i woke up way too early out of excitement and headed to the airport.

everything after that is pretty much a haze. just....cloudy. i know i cried almost the entire flight to wichita. i know i cried after i rounded the corner and saw my friends. i know we went to eat at my favorite mexican food place for lunch. i know i became supremely irritated at not having a phone, and stayed that way for a few days till my wonderful brother victor came to the rescue.

just yesterday or maybe the night before, something changed. i think my body finally settled down and figured out that i wasn't moving around anymore. travel will do that to you. you get so used to moving all the time, and changing your surroundings so drastically, that you feel antsy and distracted even after you get to the stopping point. i'm settling. finally. whew.

so what now? now we process. now we write. now we record. now we rest and prepare. because the task wasn't the preparing. the task will be the doing. and loving that deeply, giving that much, pushing through that kind of hardship and defeat....that is not for the faint of heart. so in this time, i will study and read and listen for god to instruct me. because i have to be ready for a fight. it's always a fight to tear something out of satan's grasp. and he wants those street kids.

so we're going to stand in the gap for them. you, me, jesus, and enough love to see them through the failures and setbacks that are sure to come. i'll be writing more often i hope. thanks so much for the support and love you continue to give me wherever i am.

it's good to be at home.

i'll be home for chrismas

you can count on me :)

so i'm sitting here in my room. it's nigh 80 degrees outside, and the hot south american sun is beating down on the poor defenseless vegetation outside. strange environment for what i'm doing....

i'm watching the macy's thanksgiving day parade, drinking hot tea, and listening to christmas music.

**i had to laugh just now. the c alphabet block from the sesame street float almost lost his pants and had to run off the road for a second. that's good times, folks :)**

anyway, as i face the last 3 or 4 days of my first adventure in bolivia, i find myself often stopping to take stock of all that god has done in me, for me, and with me these past 4 1/2 ish months. i have never appreciated my family more than i do now. i have never loved my hometown (wichita) more than i do now. i have never known the value of my best friends like i do now. and i have never ached for and seen the beauty of so many of the small things that made up my life and who i am, as i do now.

the world is much brighter now, from where i sit, than it was just a few short months ago. and for the patience and love of all of you that endured this painful transformation with me, i am forever grateful. even those words seem so small...

so now that i've gushed and mushed all over all of you, i have very specific things i want to let you know i am thankful to remember today. cliche? yes. will i do it anyway? oh yes.

- grandma's house on thanksgiving. the macy's parade was always on all morning while we cooked and ran our errands in the snow or leaves of late fall. after the parade, it was football until our late lunch. which sort of dragged on through the rest of the day to dinner and midnight snacks. oh turkey and mashed potato sandwiches...

- aunt pat's on thanksgiving. can anyone say, pies and fresh whipped cream? how about ice cream with homemade chocolate sauce? oh yes. and pitch tournaments galore with the cousins. grandpa used to say, bid or die. kind of like vote or die. but more severe. shooting the moon and losing was hilarious. shooting the moon and winning was legendary :) <3>

fever dream

well i was going to take a nap. that's what sunday afternoons are for, right? in between church services, before football comes on the television, prime napping real estate.

no such luck. i'm like a little kid who isn't sleepy and can't lay still. hooray for being a grown up and getting to decide for myself when my nap is over :)

i've been meaning to do this for a while actually. and lest i begin each update with apologies for my tardiness, i'll save it and tell you like it is. these past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life. and some of the best as well. by far. with all that i have had to do, at times just trying to stay alive, i really didn't put the update at the top of the "to do" list.

that being said, i will do my best to help you rejoin the loop.

in addition to my normal research projects and relationship building within the business community, i have been helping with the street kids a lot. with the girls, this has been monumental. i've been working with our hospital to help provide care for pregnant girls living on the street, and discounts for their births and such. this has often included running up to the bridge where our specific group lives, and reading zulma and gary (couple who just had a baby yesterday) the riot act for being there with their other 18 mo old boy, when they're mandated to stay in the room we provided for them near the job we helped gary get. bridge = glue sniffing and violence among the kids. not good for small children and pregnant girls.

with the boys it's been significantly harder. one was murdered in june just before i got here. another was stabbed not long ago, and as he was recovering in a hospital, was persuaded to commit suicide and jump from the window. not a week later, another boy hung himself at the bridge where all the other kids were sleeping. traumatic all around. we decided not to sit idly by and wait for the next kid to fall victim to hopelessness, and called an emergency prayer meeting. we brought down the house, praying and singing, pacing and raising our hands for hours. a few of the kids came, and we got a chance to bless them with prayer, rest, and pizza. it was so good to be able to show them how hard we are literally fighting for their very lives every moment.

the best parts of working with them, by far, have been the small things. when zulma came out to our hospital to get checked by our doctors, i got to care for little miguelito (18 mo old kiddo mentioned above). he calls all of us gringas "niorita" because he can't quite get the word "seniorita" out. we played on the slide and the swings for a long time while amy and zulma waited for the doctors. and every time i would catch him at the bottom of the slide, he'd grab my face with both hands, give me a gooey kiss on the nose, and coo, "niorita...." what a precious baby. born of a union formed on the streets of the city...with parents that sniffed glue constantly as he was growing inside....and here he is. perfectly normal, well adjusted, and very smart. after all that he has endured in his tiny little life, i can't wait to see what his future holds.

the boys also work on the corners, washing windows and juggling fire for the cars to make a little money. the other night i was on my way in to amy's house, sitting on the left side of the bus, closest to the median. my window was open, and as we pulled up to the stoplight, i heard yelling through my earphones. i took them out and looked around as 5 boys came running over to the side of the bus calling, "seniorita, seniorita! como estas? te extranamos!!!" (even though they saw me the day before :) ). i am sure the other people on the bus thought i was crazy as we chatted, gave each other kisses and high fives through the window. they were just jabbering on about how glad they were to see me, and asking if i would come see them at the bridge soon. these kids are anywhere from 11 to 15...maybe 17 years. sweet, sweet boys (except when they're high, of course).

i know this. i don't care what the world thinks. i'll reach out my hands to them from bus windows any time. every time.

all this being said, aside from having typhoid fever (not a lot of fun, just so you know) and being given death threats by the ring leader of the more dangerous street boys, these past few weeks have been an exhilirating experience to be sure. even these bad things just prove to me that god has me in his hands. if that weren't so, i would not still be here, living or otherwise.

and i have finally (AL FIN) found a church home here. this was my second sunday to attend, my first sunday to play and sing with the worship team. and we met such opposition...bloody noses, spilled coffee, weird sound systems, awkward keyboards, everything seemed to go wrong. but we stuck it to the man and pushed through to worship. in the end, our community was stronger and more blessed in our perseverance together than we would have been had it gone smoother.

and the overwhelming theme of all of this? you just never know where you'll find yourself or what god might ask of you.

i hope you have gotten a sufficient glimpse of life around here recently. i'll try to write again as soon as i can, and remember, i'll see many of you in just a few weeks!

chau chau!

mexican summer

this morning when i woke up, i was really excited to get into the city for my night out with friends. however, i was soon reading status updates, and found that there were bloqueos (blockades) in several places around quillacollo, the suburb we live just on the west side of. at first it seemed small. not a big deal. but upon reading the newspaper, los tiempos, i realized we're actually completely isolated out here under at least 20 points of blockade. we literally can not get into the city or out of here without driving through potato fields.

i started feeling pretty sorry for myself, thinking of ways i might get around it all. trying to bribe taxi drivers. trying to convince my family i could walk around the bloqueos. lol. no one ever said i wasn't stubborn. but in the end, someone, whose opinion matters greatly to me, told me it wasn't safe for me to go out today, and that i was acting like a spoiled girl. to my dismay, i think he was right. i know i can be kind of hard on bolivia sometimes...

that is why i want you to know some of the absolute best things about where i live, and why i know i am blessed beyond measure. i want to give you good news, and not complain. i want you to know that I LOVE BOLIVIA. even on the days when i feel like i hate bolivia, i love bolivia.
so here are some of my favorite things.

* santa rita trees. they grow along the tops of the walls that surround every house and yard in the city. each tree has a different and brilliant color of blossom, and they wind around and grow into and on all the parts of the walls, metal work, you name it. not to mention they have visciously awesome thorns that keep people from climbing the walls. i save a blossom color every time i see a new one. and each time i think, "only god could make a color like that..." beautiful.

* i can suddenly cook. i wouldn't believe it myself if i hadn't heard such amazing praises, watched the boys devour every last bit of their dinner and everyone else's, and eaten it myself. i can make cakes, cookies, banana bread, homemade pizza (dough and all), empanadas, any pasta dish you could imagine, and loads of other things! i guess necessity really is the mother of invention, and of accomplishment in this case :) and i know i must owe some of it to the altitude...

* dogs. i have two wonderful dogs here, and two adopted dogs in the city. sunset lives behind the house as our guard dog. on my worst and most lonely nights, i sit in her pen and she sits on my lap (she's a huge gigantic german shepherd, btw), licking my face and whining when i cry. manchas (spots in spanish) is our other dog. she roams about the grounds, keeping watch. she's also really big, like a big hunting dog, but she thinks she's a baby. she takes her responsibilities very seriously, however, especially where i am concerned. she escorts me to the road to meet the trufis and waits with me, standing guard by (on) my feet. she leads me by the hand and lectures me when i come home late at night, and she always runs circles around me when she sees me, even though she's quite old. lily and woody guthrie are my friend amy's dogs. no one on the planet earth is as excited to see me as they are when i show up at the house. guthro is a sweet little baby, who only wants to cuddle. lily is a pit bull boxer mix who also happens to be my favorite wrestling buddy. we're quite a sight :) she also thinks she's a lap dog, and often tries to climb onto our laps while we're eating breakfast. she gives great hugs, and a heck of a half nelson.

* trufis. yep, i said it. for one thing, it only costs 3 bolivianos to get into the city during the day. that's like....less than 50 cents! a lot less than driving. not to mention, even though it takes anywhere from 50 minutes to an hour and a half to get there, that's prime time for daydreaming and listening to the ipod. some of my favorite moments have been on trufis, riding home at night, listening to feist or radiohead, and seeing the city lights rush by. so much time to figure things out, dream about the future, and lots of time for god to mold me and shape me. in addition to alone time, a great number of my most fantastc human interaction stories have been on trufis. i've met mothers and helped them with their babies, old grandmas and paid for their rides, diagnosed illnesses, prayed for broken hearts, and even defended other women from abusers. some of my greatest ministry so far has been in trufis. go figure :)

* my family here. tomas and iris ortiz are the couple that run our guesthouse. tomas speaks brilliant english, which has been uber helpful when i can't accurately explain myself to iris or tia elsi. he's a bible traslator and also a youth worker at his dad's baptist church. he loves movies. we call him papa oso (papa bear). because, well, he never gets upset or irritated unless someone isn't safe. or maybe if that someone never came home one night and they didn't want to call and wake the house up to say they would stay in the city. ahem. no idea who that would be. *sheepish* iris is our mom. she is the most patient and kind person i have probably ever known. particularly when it comes to gringas butchering the spanish language. she's about my older sister's age so we have a great sister relationship. they have a 5 year old daugther, ester, who is the light of my life. i have just begun teaching her english and she's learning briliantly! tonight at dinner i asked her where her fingers were in english and she wiggled them and giggled like a crazy fiend. we also slay dragons, save baby dinosaurs, capture bad guys, and rescue bugs on a regular basis. we're due to have a new baby sister right before i leave to come home in december. i can't wait to meet her. they are naming her after me. brianna grace. humbling, to be sure. tia (aunt) elsi is here to help clean and cook while iris is pregnant. she is literally one of the best and strongest women on earth. i just wish you could know her...

* casablanca. this is my favorite coffee shop. the service is deplorable, the people that work there are often big pains in the bum (cold war gavin), and the coffee is only passable. the best in the city as far as i'm concerned, but that's not saying much. however. all this taken into account, there's something about that place that makes me settle and melt a little. it's safe to just, be. i can go there alone to write, read, listen to music. i can go there to meet people, and chat and have fun. i can go there with huge groups of friends and eat dinner and play cards. it doesn't matter a bit. and if i could transport a piece of the feeling i get at home when i am at mead's or the perk, i'd be able to find it there. that's it. it's a familiarity i couldn't have hoped for so far from home, until i can make my own :)

* colors. everything here is bright. when there are parades (and when aren't there, really :P) the costumes put everything i've ever seen or made to shame. huge twirling skirts of silk and damask and shining glittery sequins. bright furry heads and towering platform shoes. unbelievable. bright patterns hang from every window. each rug an intricate masterpiece. even the food is more colorful. it's easy to forget sometimes when you are used to seeing it after a while. but the colors and the passion are everywhere. these are a people who have chosen to really live. even when they seem to be in the most dire of circumstances. and when they smile, it lights up all of the surroundings. so beautiful.

* friends. i have the most amazing friends! first and foremost, ruth. i live with ruth. and almost daily we say to one another, "you know, if god hadn't put us both here together, i never would have made it." honestly, no one on earth knows my heart the way that ruth does. there's just something about going through something with someone. when this time has passed, i know there will be a sisterhood here that will last our whole lives. amy is the kindred other part of me. a sister i am so blessed beyond measure to spend some great times with. we watch serial killer shows, play with street kids, and eat vegetarian food, among various other things. and kimber and barb are constant sources of everything from love to knowledge, and from sympathy to shenanigans. we have some times. that's for sure :) kelly, jeanette, emma, fiona, and marisol make up the rest of that clan. of course, how could i forget alejandro. because of him, i have truly lived iin my time here so far. i would be hard pressed to find someone more generous and kind than he is. he gives me all these opportunities to be myself, and loves me in spite of and because of them. it doesn't matter if we're watching movies, waiting on a football game that's never broadcast, taking volunteers to the airport and making them late, or driving off to mysterious high places to see the city lights. i never want to be anywhere else but with him when i'm with him. because of ale, i get to have his best friend ivan as well. he very well might be one of the sweetest guys i've ever known. and funny too. great to practice spanish with since he speaks no english at all. except for one line, "are you talking to me??" lol. ale and i are planning ways to teach him english quickly :) believe me, i could go on....andrea, marcelo, ale vedia, patricia, savannah. so many blessings.

okay. that concludes this session of I LOVE MY BOLIVIA.

thank you so much for sending me here, praying for me, being here when i need you, and just generallyl being awesome. i hope you've gotten a little glimpse of my life from what i've written here.

goodnight :)

it must be night around where you are

i wrote this in my journal earlier, and i wanted to share it with you.

right now i am sitting in casablanca, my favorite coffee shop. usually i am at home in my room when i write, but i guess i needed a change of scenery today. i left bible study this morning, brimming over and about ready to explode. i knew it was time.

i have to tell you, you don't know how many times i have given up this past week. i mean, really called it all in and layed down to face the end. lord knows i haven't been very faithful in my writing lately, mostly because i've been so turned inward. it was hard to see out. but i've decided, today it ends. today, i stand up and take posession of the victory that rightly belongs to me. to us.

the other day i was talking to a dear friend of mine. she asked how i was handling all the stess and loneliness. after a week of pain and confusion, and lots of death and worry.
this was my feeble, yet resolved response.

think of a rock. alone.
out about a mile or so off shore in the ocean.
i am perched precariously on this rock.
the storm is raging.
the wind is howling.
every little bit, the sea swallows it whole, trying to wash me over and drown me in myself.
my clothes are full of holes.
the salt burns my skin and my eyes.
but i plant my feet and scream defiantly into the gale.
"i will not be moved!"
no, damn it. i will not be moved.

take everything from me.
my friends, my family.
comfort.
strip me bare, leave me alone in the dark, with danger all around me and no way to protect myself.

i will still spit in the face of the devil.

i will stare him down and call on the sun to stand still in the sky. (joshua 10)
and my god will take care of the details. he will answer the repercussions.
because this world, this country, this city, my body, my family. they belong to him.

i will not be moved.

i am done being defeated.
i am done feeling unworthy.
i am done watching from the outside.
searching for the light meekly and in vain.

i woke up today a beaten woman.
i walked out of our prayer just now a warrior filled with passion.

here's the deal. the root of it all.
i want so desperately to be who he thinks i am.
and i have never even come close to trying.
honest. that's low down brutal honesty there.

but somebody needs to hear this.

i am who he thinks i am. we are. you are.

he brought me all the way here, planting provision in my every step. loving every stop along the way when i'd see a little piece of him and get it. just for a minute.

and if he would seek after me so relentlessly. me.
the most dreadful, useless liar.
an adulterer. the most unfaithful lover.
leaving deceit and pain in my wake.
lazy. cowardly, i could go on...
why in the world wouldn't you believe he'd come after you???

that's how i know. if it takes everything i have, every last breath, drop of blood.
every ounce of my strength.
i must believe him.
i have to.

i have to trust that who he is, is enough - more than enough - to cover my deception and defeat.

he can redeem even me. even you.
what's more, he wants to.

he must be god.

i was going to give up. not just give up being in bolivia. i don't know what i thought i would do.
but i felt finished.

and then i really felt it. the truth.
he will never give up.
i can never give up.

i'll leave you with some lyrics from a radiohead song (videotape) that's been pursuing me all day...

you are my center when i spin away.
no matter what happens now
i won't be afraid
because i know
today has been the most perfect day i have ever seen.

don't give up.

nocturne, taciturn, sojourn

i know tonight is the night i should be doing this. it's just that...

most of me would rather be watching some nerdy overly dramatic historical movie and employing my greatest form of escapism, aka pretending i am not here. or anywhere for that matter. except exactly wherever i feel like dreaming i am. queen elizabeth I's court...wwII germany...india...
but alas, i am a slave to my conscience and it's time for another note.

i have been learning a lot this past week. i think i may have mentioned this line of thought to several of you before i even came here, but there's been a major theme for me lately, and it has corresponded with the events in the lives of many of my friends here as well.

we tend to hide our struggles. while the struggles themselves are great and formidable on their own, they are even more dangerous when the struggl-er is made to think that they alone are unable to keep up. two big problems that sort of chicken and egg each other, right?

i spend a good chunk of my free time with missionaries. many of them would rather not be called missionaries, largely due to the evangelistic implications that lie therein (which i will leave you to imagine on your own, lest i offend anyone). but nonetheless, here we all are. trying to show people, at the very base of it, what jesus has done in our lives, and how beautiful life can be when you have hope. and can you guess what the number one struggle is for us?

uselessness. feeling like we aren't doing anything. literally, across the board.

and it's almost humiliating to admit, even here, even now. one almost always feels pressured to account for every minute of his or her time, making sure everyone knows how hard they are working and all that they have accomplished. at the very least, there's a lot of self-justification that goes on, trying to reconcile what you would like to do, with what you can feasibly do. and telling yourself over and over that you'll do better and you'll do more when you can. some day you'll stop enjoying your life so much and settle down and be serious. get to work!

but no one talks about it. because it's so deeply embedded and such a very personal attack. and i am convinced, having prayed and railed against this for months and months, that the universal prospects of this situation make it most certainly a sneaky and evil lie from the pit of hell. we're being hoodwinked!

and what's more, many of you at home have been expressing these same doubts to me, about your own lives and ministries. so here we are tricked into being isolated by our own fear and unable to help one another because we can't bear to admit that we need help in the first place and we think no one else does. well, cue twisted sister. we're not gonna take it!

i want to tell you a quick story. it's about a guy who works in my favorite cafe. we're going to call him gavin, mostly because he looks startlingly like (a really skinny) gavin rossdale.

the first day i went to casablanca, gavin was there. he was obviously intrigued by my presence, since i don't blend in well, and to be honest, he doesn't exactly look bolivian himself. but i gave him the benefit of the doubt, or rather didn't give him much notice at all, until i realized that he was spending a great deal of time staring at me from behind the window. creeper.

about the 19th time i looked up from my gabriel garcia marquez book because i felt his eyes boring into me, i became exasperated, and asked the poor boy if he needed something. "you're not from here," he said, in staggering spanish. i was irritated. "no, i'm from africa." i sassed back in better spanish. he took the hint. no more creeping. until...

i came back again with some friends a few days later. we were talking and joking around. speaking english. like we do. gavin walked in circles around us never taking our order, for several minutes. it's not a big cafe, mind you. when he finally recognized us, he looked at me and said, "just coffee for you, i know." in perfect and quite defiant english. just like i had a feeling he would. call it a hunch. and that, my friends, is when the cold war began.

gavin and i began to do battle daily. how long would he make me wait before he'd ask what i wanted. and when he did come to my table, would he even look at me? or just wave his hand and refuse to speak. as if i were bothering him. and never again in english. i started to really hate seeing gavin when i walked in the door.

that is, until today. today i had a date with a gypsy girl i met yesterday. she was going to teach me how to make the bracelets they sell. yesterday she had been in dire need of someone to talk to. and you know me, i have a flashing neon sign above my head that screams "tell me your life story," right? so today, she came back, i bought her coffee, and gavin was our waiter. i guess he decided to be nice since she was there with me. no need to punish the innocent. even cold war gavin has morals.

after she left, i asked for another coffee. in english. i suppose i was feeling lighthearted and i wanted to see what he might do. his response shocked me.

he whipped a chair around, and sat down very close to me.
"what are you doing here?" (english) shocked? um, yes.
"i'm a hospital administrator in vinto. where are you from?"
"i'm from the middle east." non-specific. okay, cold war gavin. keep holding out.
silence.
"how did you end up here?" i ask.
"blessing, destiny i suppose." he smiles, and gets up.
"i am studying spanish at the university and i need to practice, so i work here. it helps a lot. how's your spanish?" he asks.
"horrible, can't you tell?" i say, laughing.
"no, i can't tell horrible spanish from regular. mine's bad too." ah, common ground.
now we're both laughing.
"i think we should practice together." his idea. and just like that, cold war gavin offers the cease-fire.

so, i accepted. gladly. it will be nice not to dread seeing his face when i want to have coffee. it was nice to spend the rest of the time smiling at him when he passed, randomly chatting about the other languages we speak or want to speak, and saying, "chau, nos vemos!" when i left instead of trying to get out while he was in the bathroom or something equally childish.

the thing is, we are actually allies, gavin and i. whose name is actually nima, by the way. we are both lost and trying to find our way in a strange country, away from everything and everyone we know. but because of a long list of assumptions made by each side, we have been practically shooting poisoned darts at one another for weeks. instead of finding solace in our similar situations. and because we thought it would be too hard or humiliating to admit these things to another person, we pridefully engaged each other in disdainful (if not halted) spanish conversation for much much longer than necessary.

here it comes.

that's kind of like how we struggle against ourselves and our perceptions of other people's work and ministry, and never take the time to speak it out and see who is really behind all the lies. crazy, huh?
we're letting him win.

but not today.
cold war gavin and i are having coffee next week.

score :)

borrowed light

i am suddenly aware that lots of time has passed since my last note! i didn't realize just how long it had been, until i went to check something on an old post, and saw that even that last silly post was from almost 2 weeks ago.

epic fail in the update once a week department. guilty as charged.

things have been really interesting around here. i'm sure now that interesting is the best word for it. for the most part, i'm really just trying to settle in and figure out how to live here. the good news is, i'm actually getting really excited about the chance to make a life and be out on my own again. not long ago, i was almost certain that would not be possible. but the lord hears even our smallest and most seemingly insignificant requests and desires.

if you know me at all, you know that it would be a vast understatement to say that i am a little independent from time to time. i think the thing that was killing me most in the beginning was my inability to do anything without help. i couldn't really leave alone, and even if i did, how would i know where to go? what trufi to take? how to find my way back once i got to wherever it was i wanted to go. and what if i got lost? would my spanish be good enough to get me back home?

when i lived in wichita, i was always running about. scheduled down to the very last minute before i'd creep in to my sleeping house with my already sleeping family, and throw myself into bed exhausted. i love being able to decide where i'll go and what i'll do. i love choosing my own work and making my own appointments. i cut hair, give russian lessons, wait tables, and volunteer at my coffee shop. and at any moment, you could find me anywhere, any cafe or bar, with anyone. that's what cell phones are for. but here, even with a cell phone, i felt....trapped. after all, we live outside the city quite a ways. think.....goddard. not just in extreme west wichita....but not really justifiably in wichita at all actually.

to my great joy, i've been enjoyed a great burst of freedom lately. i suddenly developed nerves of steel and some mean spanish skills, and i started trying things alone. half way to bible study alone. meet a friend for lunch in a place i haven't been before from a direction i haven't come from before. getting lost and finding myself all in time to meet someone for coffee at a place i've never been. all the way to bible study alone. and finding my own favorite coffee shop from as many different angles and directions as possible. i even managed to make it to the irish pub on my own to meet my new friends, and never got lost once. i was early! shocking, i know...

but all these advances and victories, albeit small to those who know their way around here, have meant everything to me. it means that i really can do this job and be a grown up here. i really can start a business and have a life. i really can clean up my spanish and be fluent, communicating effectively and consisently. consistently being the key there, not only with brilliant flashes and great disasters. it means that i don't feel trapped anymore.

today nicole and i had a beautiful lunch with a friend, and some amazing coffee. then we walked around and found a great shady spot to watch the parade and drink tumbo juice. hours afterward, as we were leisurely searching for our trufi home, we picked flowers and talked about life and all kinds of things. tonight when we got home, i taught luis to play a song on the guitar in russian. then we wrote it in spanish too just for fun. and then in dutch. four languages if you count engllish, which i already knew. afterward, when everyone had gone to bed, i got a strange wild hair, and decided to make banana bread for the family. and for my bible study tomorrow too. and as i danced around the kitchen in my pajamas to over the rhine, and threw flour all over myself, the floor, and probably many other places to be discovered later, i couldn't help but smile. i'm so amazingly, gloriously free.

tomorrow i'll take my martha-stewart-quality banana bread to bible study, to which i will go alone, for the first time without help. i might meet a friend for lunch. i might stop to read for a while at my favorite cafe. i might dance with the gypsies again.

but whatever i do, i will enjoy it, and everything it means to really live.