concession

so i've been thinking. usually i assume that no one reads this. my former sunday school teacher, and a huge amazing positive influence and example in my life, reminds me often (love you, alan) that this is not so. well, apparently it's not so.

upon further reflection, it seems that imposing on you all the idea that you should not work for a church, is not my place or my actual intention. i'm just so frustrated. i loved working for the church, even when it was hard. and boy was it hard. but i'm starting to wonder where my life is going.

there's a john mayer song, "stop this train." i've been thinking about it, listening to it a lot. stop this train, i wanna get off and go home again, i can't take the speed it's moving in, i know i can't but honestly won't someone stop this train?

i do have some positive things to say though. i do not hate the church i work for. i do not hate the church universally. i do not hate christians in general. i hate the way i feel right now. and i am begging god for the assurance that it is going to get better. because i believed i should be here. i believed it so much that i came back here. i believe it now so much that i've bypassed huge amounts of money, all kinds of incentives, to stay here and be broke all the time and worry myself to death. because i love god. because i love my family here. because i believe that there are things more important than my ever fluctuating happiness.

i'd have quit my job yesterday if i didn't, TRUST ME.

this is a good time for me to admit that i need some help. i need someone to stand back, try not to jump on me, not draw crazy conclusions, and just tell me they understand and they love me. i haven't heard that once.

and understand the risk i take by explaining all this. i am often misunderstood, and i hate opening myself up to scrutiny like this. but i have to do something to explain that last, cryptic, hastily written, inflammatory post.

be blessed not by my negativity, but by my honesty.