my chest feels heavy today. weighted. i'm so tired.
sleep is a blessing we often take for granted i think. and when it's denied us, we see it for it's full import.
if i wrote here every day, i might tell you that nothing around me seems to change, but i feel like everything is so different from moment to moment that i can barely conceive of the magnitude of the constant changing and spinning. i've been thinking. in christ, we have this glorious opportunity to remain the same, constant, identified, yet take on whatever identity we choose at any given moment at our own will. and this luxury he has afforded us....because? because it's what we want. and a lover pays attention only to the ultimate happiness of the beloved. that's why. that's why he follows us around, making all of himself so available, so present, that we need only feel the slightest bit inclined to look at him and we're washed over with his power and majesty. and to think. all that glory and beauty, searching and aching for me.
i read in a magazine not long ago that women should choose men who feel lucky to have them. in other words, if the woman is more important, beautiful, worthy, then the man will never cheat on her, always appreciate her, never take her for granted. but if the man is the more glorious one, then she'd better watch out, because there would be no reason for him to limit himself only to her when he could clearly do better. and with this message permeating every inch of our culture and consciousness, how could we ever understand or learn to trust someone or something so great and vast that chose to pursue us relentlessly at the cost of his own dignity and very life. that just sounds silly doesn't it. it's so counterintuitive.
but i think that the plan of the great distractor has always been to make us feel unloved. to get in the middle of this romance and make it seem silly and fallacious. like a girl asking herself why she ever thought this man could love her in the first place. didn't everyone know that he was so far above her in the first place? didn't they all mock her behind her back, thinking all along that he would never see her or appreciate the beauty and love that she had to offer? didn't she always expect him to throw to the ground the pieces of her heart that she carefully prepared for him and left lain out on display for him to see? and if this is how we were raised, if this is how the deceiver has positioned us in our world, then how could we be expected to believe something so outlandish? how much more patience did god need to have with us as we do the very things to him that we expect him to do to us!
but this wonderful tragedy of broken hearts and healing touches is what makes a relationship with god so essential. it's so important and vital to the human heart that all cultures yearn and strive to please and feel accepted by this god that has planted himself in their hearts from birth. i marvel at the way that people born in the middle of the forest, never having access to a missionary, a king james bible, or a tract with the four laws written all over it, can feel and long for the face of the same god that i have been blessed to feel and long for. it makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to listen to him sometimes. why i have to fight him and mistrust his will for me.
but every day, i'm afforded the ability to be whoever i want to be, and he lets me decide what i'll do and how i'll see him every moment. and like a truly good love, when it's good it's great. and when it's bad....whoa becky.
