in the spirit of three stars

i've discovered that it's the days a person most needs to write, that they have the least patience and/or desire for it. yesterday would have been a great day to be honest about what happens to a person's mind and heart on the off days. i haven't been that unabashedly angry in a looooong long time.

a friend of mine said something brilliant when i was in the thick of my anger, unable to reach my mom, my best friends, my office at home...and he was the only person i was actually able to call. he said, "these people that frustrate you may love you, in fact, i know they do. but they are only people. you must continue on, being who you are and loving them knowing they are not, in the end, you. you know what your name is. you know you are."

wise advice. god brings me the best and most brilliant people, i swear.

all of the unpleasantness aside, the past few days have been full of new victories and discoveries for me. for instance, i have been taking trufis to meet people instead of having them pick me up, and i haven't made a mistake in almost a week! not to mention, there are the small things that are victorious for me.

today an abuelita got on the trufi with her nieta, and she only had 1 B for the ride, which costs 2 Bs. for them both. i wasn't going to give her mine, since i only had one, and only large bills after that. but i decided to swallow my fear. i asked the driver if he had change for a 20 Bs. bill....and when he said he did, albeit begrudgingly, i thanked him for helping us, and gave her my coin. she held my hand in her unwashed and sticky hand, and blessed me up one side and down the other. i could see that she was having problems with her eyes, and it appeared to me that it was a neurological deficiency of some sort (yeah, get me in with doctors, and you'll see me in medicine yet :) ). so she asked me where i was going, and i told her i worked at the hospital. she got really excited, and told me about her neurological difficulties (score, i got it on the first try!). she asked me all kinds of questions about her eyes and about when a doctor could see her. i gave her the name of our neurologist, who only comes twice a week, and told her to ask for me if she had any problems. she thanked me, kissed my hands, and then she said the strangest thing. she said, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me." to be honest, i thought i might have gotten the translation wrong. but the longer she looked into my eyes, her eyes blinking and saturated with gratitude, the more i knew that she had meant precisely what she said.

that seems to be a theme for my ministry in bolivia. so many are so outcast by their own people.

you know, sometimes i can be pretty hard on myself, because i cannot yet do what i actually planned to do here. i mean, i can't do it right now. i am literally waiting around for my work to begin, for the lawyers to be freed up to help me start the paperwork for the coffee house. but the lord has continually given me the desire and resources to do more and better than i had ever imagined. the hospital is running more smoothly, the volunteers are happier, and we are steadily increasing our patient load. and all of this because i needed some things to occupy my time, and god saw fit to use me when i presented myself to him :)

aside from the hospital, my interactions with people have been astounding. yesterday i took the volunteers to the baby orphanage, casa de amor, and we helped with the end of dinner and some playing in the yard. when we arrived, i heard a little voice squeal, "tia!" which means "aunt" basically. its a term of endearment that children call elders, tia or tio. i looked down, and wouldn't you know, it was the little girl from my story a looooong time ago. i told a story last time about a little girl who had been found in a ditch and hadn't laughed or smiled, or even eaten since they'd gotten her (see buenos dias de vinto/quillacollo, bolivia!). but miracle of miracles, she remembered me! i kissed her so much i think she thought i would kiss her face off. and tears in my eyes, i looked at this sweet little one. she with a big attitude, and a very very smart little brain. and somewhere in my mind and heart, as i write this now, i feel the words, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me."

and when i spend time with these wonderful guys, that have completely captured my heart and taught me so much about goodness and love. when i feel god's provision in their presence in my life and see the blatant fruits of the holy spirit so evident in their daily lives...
and i hear the stories of how "christians" have mistreated them and outcast them. basically informed them of their "final destination", my heart breaks. and i want to protect them ferociously. because god is searching for them. pursuing them. wooing them steadily. he told me so.

he is not the god of religion, the god of ceremony and lists, the god of just making it by to a state of acceptability (and not burning). he is the god of the universe. he god of every heart. bigger and infinitely more good and gracious and wise than we could conceive of. loving us, pursuing us, wanting to be with us. and all of that in spite of our rejection of his love. THAT is a god that i can't help but fall on my face in front of. because as much as my heart breaks and yearns for the beautiful souls around me, he is the creator of that heart. of those feelings. he IS that love. unfathomable!

and that is the god that i struggle to reflect. that is why i am not afraid to love them. any of them. what am i but a poor and miserable facsimile of my creator. my lover. my greatest desire.

and so, for now, i will meet my random little old man friend to practice english. and i'll wait for the abuelita with the neurological problems to come to me and bless me again with her sweet smile and her beautiful little dirty hands. and i'll let ale and marcelo take me out to dinner and to watch movies and football, and spend some good quality time with them so that they'll know that i really love them. no matter what. and i'll hug those babies. tight, tight. and fill them up with attention and security. because every moment counts when you're little.

thank you for participating in this ministry with me. thank you for praying and supporting and loving me. your love is what fills me up to overflowing so that i have it to give. such abundance.

unfathomable.

look at the stars

well....
like it or not, i'm awake right now. brain...sheesh.

so i decided to heed my mother's request and write something to help you all get a better picture of what it's like here.

every day i...
wake up to an acapella version of the mission impossible theme song aka my phone alarm (thanks, celo)
make my bed and put my owl on top so he can look at me.
pull on my hair so it will grow faster :)
kiss people hello and goodbye (i know, right?! who of you can picture me doing that!)
sit in my office and get falsely greeted by countless people "buen dia doctora!" (doctora...pft)
eat peanut butter toast, just like in the states. (chris and tasha, tell ester :) )
walk miles and miles.
play with my gorgeous and highly misunderstood german shepherd, sunset.
get a hundred slobbery kisses for "tia brianna" from a beautiful little 5 year old.
epic fail at speaking spanish. and succeed 50 times for each fail.

i also have a rich random life from time to time...
i buy flowers often. and arrange them to put on our dining room table.
i occasionally dance around to jack johnson and the beatles and attempt to help the brits cook.
we go to different places to eat all the time just to try things.
i walk around gardens and take pictures of flowers to put on the wallpaper of my cell.
i feed street dogs my leftovers, and watch little boys juggle knives at stop lights.
some days i drive ester to school.

today we went to a museum and a palace. i got to see stuffed animals (taxidermy, silly) and cases of bugs and butterflies and huge condors hanging about randomly. and then i went into a palace and walked down the gallery of an ornate italian inspired ballroom. i looked into the perfectly preserved faces of angels painted on the vaulted ceilings. and i have never seen french damask silk on walls like i saw it today. sigh. look up palacio de portales. beautiful. i spent some time talking to the girl who guided our tour of the gardens and palace. she was an amazing person, very concerned with helping people and the greater good. and it's highly possible i'll get more opportunities to talk with her, as there will be many arts events at the palace in the future that i plan to attend. her dream since she was 7 was to be a museum curator and guide. what an interesting soul! she also gave some glowing reviews of our hospital and what she'd heard about it, which was perfect encouragement after the past few days we've had.

i wish i could show you the flowers that grow on and hang down off of the trees. i wish you could see the always warm faces of the people, and my random chosen reactions to their nearly constant staring. i wish you could see how dirty my feet get when i go walking about in the city with flip flops on. i wish you could come to la cancha, the market place, and see the fabrics, skirts, and pirated dvds hanging from the tent flaps. i wish you could taste mandarin fanta, and sugar cane freshly cut. i wish you could meet my church kids and see how strong and amazing they already are in their faith at such young ages, and trash talk them in spanish as you're playing boys against girls water games at youth group. and most of all, i wish you could feel these things. because even if i had pictures, which i never make the time to take, it wouldn't even scratch the surface.

so let me know if you can see it. even just a little. and picture me there in your mind. i don't miss my old life as much as i once did. what a blessing.

i really do have a beautiful home.

red right ankle

things have just been crazy! sorry it's taken so long for me to write something...

to begin with, the trip here....
i got delayed in wichita like a long time...and chose to fly to dallas and stay the night there courtesy of american airlines. i was a little panicked because my cell phone had been turned off already, and i didn't have any way to get a hold of anyone who i knew to spend time with there. but i did finally get megan to come (thanks for the help, marynell!) and we had a glorious time. god really gave me a gift in those hours, just settling me down and giving me some perspective. we went to her work, drove around looking at big pretty houses, pretended to be rich people at anthropologie, ate pasta at a really cool new place, drank coffee at starbucks, and hung out at a really cool organic food market. then i came back to the hotel (so tired, no sleep for days before i left) and ate my amazing fruit from the market and watched cartoons until i fell asleep. the next day, i flew to miami. i met a few other missionaries on the flight, which was really cool! one girl was a bolivian who was coming home from a mission trip here, and we got some good fellowship in. also, i met some other american missionaries living here in coch, so it will be wonderful to get to know them more.

when i finally arrived in santa cruz (the miami-santa cruz flight being delayed 5 hours or so) i realized that my luggage was not with me. gross. but i had no time to do anything but sleep for 3 hours and get back to the airport. so i went ahead and flew to coch without it, and began the grueling process of hounding the airline for my stuff. here comes the hard part...

i got RIDICULOUSLY homesick almost immediately upon arriving in cochabamba. i think it was partly because i was so blasted tired. and my clothes were 3 days dirty and so traveled in. and i was thinking about dan and jessica and rosie. and josh's birthday party. and all the other things i wanted so badly to be around for that were so much a part of my life just a few hours before. but i also recognized satan's trick and tried to battle it as much as i could with my tired and lowered defenses. in addition to all that i was dealing with leaving behind, i felt strange and outside the group of volunteers here. even when my luggage finally did get here, and we got the car parts out of customs, i didn't really have anything to do for work yet, and spent the majority of my time wandering about, trying to figure out what everyone was doing. but soon that would change...

we had a power outage at the hospital and the guest house, and someone died in the hospital. i knew immediately that i was supposed to be right there dealing with it, since i'm sort of responsible for making sure everything runs correctly here in the absence of mike. not really sort of. i am supposed to be responsible for all that. so i had to go. and it was a huge HUGE wake up call. tomas got me up and going, and now i'm running full speed ahead. so that has been helpful in working out the "floating about aimlessly." who knew i would ever be responsible for administrating a hospital. god is just so freaking funny.

but to back track a little, there are lots of other things that have been so blessed and helpful. right after i got here, i got back into contact with andrea wilson, a missionary from wichita who lives here with her family, and she took me around to some things and got me involved in a bible study. it was so helpful, just talking about my struggles with integration and all that, and all the while her knowing just what i was feeling. i can't wait to see how god uses our relationship. she's getting me involved in lots of wonderful things with the girls orphanage, and a young adult group that will be meeting on sunday nights. she also helped me get a cell phone, which has been very helpful already. i feel a lot less trapped with a way to communicate if i get lost or separated.

i also really feel like i've connected with the volunteers really strongly. even the ones that just left on saturday. chris, jamie, marissa, and i had some times. oh boy did we have some times :) and i already miss them terribly. but i may see at the very least marissa at urbana in december, so that's a really great thing to look forward to.

i have also gotten to spend some time with marcello, one of the doctors at the hospital that's about my age, and his friend alejandro. i met marcello last time, but i wasn't here long so it's been nice to see him again. ale and marcello have helped me stay sane (which would be REALLY funny to you, if you knew them :) ) and made me feel a lot more at home. there's so much comfort in the small stuff. we walk around in the market and eat ice cream, and go for rides in ale's car and listen to good music. and they are just regular, funny guys, like the ones i hang out with at home. something i didn't know i would need, and such a blessing anyway.

and with all of that, i'm really starting to get comfortable in my spanish. granted, there will always be room for improvement, but i can go around by myself without messing it up too badly, and iris and i are able to say pretty much all we need to now without huge hiccups. soon i'll be driving too, so that will help even more.

all this to say...

every little bit, i remember what i am missing out on at home, and how much i miss all of you. sometimes the pain of it is so acute that it brings tears to my eyes. however, i keep the middle of december in the back of my mind and heart. and i try desperately to live every moment of every day and enjoy it for all the joy and beauty it has to offer. this place is amazing. truly my second home.

thanks so much for your support and prayers. and keep praying! there's a lot to do around here, and i definitely need god's grace and power to even begin to accomplish any of it.

i will write again soon. at least by next monday.

love you guys!!!