in the spirit of three stars

i've discovered that it's the days a person most needs to write, that they have the least patience and/or desire for it. yesterday would have been a great day to be honest about what happens to a person's mind and heart on the off days. i haven't been that unabashedly angry in a looooong long time.

a friend of mine said something brilliant when i was in the thick of my anger, unable to reach my mom, my best friends, my office at home...and he was the only person i was actually able to call. he said, "these people that frustrate you may love you, in fact, i know they do. but they are only people. you must continue on, being who you are and loving them knowing they are not, in the end, you. you know what your name is. you know you are."

wise advice. god brings me the best and most brilliant people, i swear.

all of the unpleasantness aside, the past few days have been full of new victories and discoveries for me. for instance, i have been taking trufis to meet people instead of having them pick me up, and i haven't made a mistake in almost a week! not to mention, there are the small things that are victorious for me.

today an abuelita got on the trufi with her nieta, and she only had 1 B for the ride, which costs 2 Bs. for them both. i wasn't going to give her mine, since i only had one, and only large bills after that. but i decided to swallow my fear. i asked the driver if he had change for a 20 Bs. bill....and when he said he did, albeit begrudgingly, i thanked him for helping us, and gave her my coin. she held my hand in her unwashed and sticky hand, and blessed me up one side and down the other. i could see that she was having problems with her eyes, and it appeared to me that it was a neurological deficiency of some sort (yeah, get me in with doctors, and you'll see me in medicine yet :) ). so she asked me where i was going, and i told her i worked at the hospital. she got really excited, and told me about her neurological difficulties (score, i got it on the first try!). she asked me all kinds of questions about her eyes and about when a doctor could see her. i gave her the name of our neurologist, who only comes twice a week, and told her to ask for me if she had any problems. she thanked me, kissed my hands, and then she said the strangest thing. she said, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me." to be honest, i thought i might have gotten the translation wrong. but the longer she looked into my eyes, her eyes blinking and saturated with gratitude, the more i knew that she had meant precisely what she said.

that seems to be a theme for my ministry in bolivia. so many are so outcast by their own people.

you know, sometimes i can be pretty hard on myself, because i cannot yet do what i actually planned to do here. i mean, i can't do it right now. i am literally waiting around for my work to begin, for the lawyers to be freed up to help me start the paperwork for the coffee house. but the lord has continually given me the desire and resources to do more and better than i had ever imagined. the hospital is running more smoothly, the volunteers are happier, and we are steadily increasing our patient load. and all of this because i needed some things to occupy my time, and god saw fit to use me when i presented myself to him :)

aside from the hospital, my interactions with people have been astounding. yesterday i took the volunteers to the baby orphanage, casa de amor, and we helped with the end of dinner and some playing in the yard. when we arrived, i heard a little voice squeal, "tia!" which means "aunt" basically. its a term of endearment that children call elders, tia or tio. i looked down, and wouldn't you know, it was the little girl from my story a looooong time ago. i told a story last time about a little girl who had been found in a ditch and hadn't laughed or smiled, or even eaten since they'd gotten her (see buenos dias de vinto/quillacollo, bolivia!). but miracle of miracles, she remembered me! i kissed her so much i think she thought i would kiss her face off. and tears in my eyes, i looked at this sweet little one. she with a big attitude, and a very very smart little brain. and somewhere in my mind and heart, as i write this now, i feel the words, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me."

and when i spend time with these wonderful guys, that have completely captured my heart and taught me so much about goodness and love. when i feel god's provision in their presence in my life and see the blatant fruits of the holy spirit so evident in their daily lives...
and i hear the stories of how "christians" have mistreated them and outcast them. basically informed them of their "final destination", my heart breaks. and i want to protect them ferociously. because god is searching for them. pursuing them. wooing them steadily. he told me so.

he is not the god of religion, the god of ceremony and lists, the god of just making it by to a state of acceptability (and not burning). he is the god of the universe. he god of every heart. bigger and infinitely more good and gracious and wise than we could conceive of. loving us, pursuing us, wanting to be with us. and all of that in spite of our rejection of his love. THAT is a god that i can't help but fall on my face in front of. because as much as my heart breaks and yearns for the beautiful souls around me, he is the creator of that heart. of those feelings. he IS that love. unfathomable!

and that is the god that i struggle to reflect. that is why i am not afraid to love them. any of them. what am i but a poor and miserable facsimile of my creator. my lover. my greatest desire.

and so, for now, i will meet my random little old man friend to practice english. and i'll wait for the abuelita with the neurological problems to come to me and bless me again with her sweet smile and her beautiful little dirty hands. and i'll let ale and marcelo take me out to dinner and to watch movies and football, and spend some good quality time with them so that they'll know that i really love them. no matter what. and i'll hug those babies. tight, tight. and fill them up with attention and security. because every moment counts when you're little.

thank you for participating in this ministry with me. thank you for praying and supporting and loving me. your love is what fills me up to overflowing so that i have it to give. such abundance.

unfathomable.