Temporal Mandibular Joint DISASTER

so, i have these questions, and i want you to consider them carefully.

how important is your jaw to you?

do you take good care of it?

would you let a stranger just go and break it?

do you not really think of your jaw...until it speaks up?

i was one of those who didn't pay much attention, until the day my jaw let me know just how important it was to my happiness and well-being.

and now my my temporal mandibular joint is waging war with the right side of my head. this isn't the first time, but it might be the worst time thus far.

so love your jaw with all your might. and let not the doctor break it for $15,000 and slap braces on your face.

because seriously. $15,000?

presto!

these past few days i've been noticing something.

every time i'm making a decision about where to go. something as small as where to hang out, where to meet someone, what to do with a few minutes of free time... i've done what i didn't initially want to do and it's ended up meaning something incredible.

for example, i wanted to go to starbucks the other night and play cards. instead, my friend wanted to go see her boyfriend, so we went to barnes and noble waaaaaay out east. we ran into these guys that are friends with someone who was with us, i started talking to one of them, and ended up knowing exactly what to say, what to give him to read, and how to understand him in a way that only a fellow music major, accomplished musician, and friends university student (former in my case) could. not to mention, someone had told me the exact thing that i needed to tell him, when i was exactly his age, and in the exact same situation. talk about amazing.

now, you would assume that the following explanation might ensue: god is directing my steps. he is leading me to the situations and conversations that i need to have. he is putting me in people's lives that need to be spoken to through my experience.

okay.

but instead, it kind of freaks me out. i'm not gonna lie.

because let's be honest (well, okay, i'll be honest, maybe you're cooler than me and you don't feel this way) even if my brain knows some schpiel about god and providence, my actual consciousness doesn't know what the crap is going on when things like this happen. it's like a magic trick. i'm in awe. i don't understand. i didn't expect it, even though i went to the magic show. the trick begins, i know what's going to happen, i'm anticipating the end, and to my great shock and surprise, there's the bloody rabbit, and my mouth is hanging open. how did he do that? where did that rabbit come from? holy crap, that's impossible!

didn't i go to the magic show just to see that?

why is my skin all goose-bumpy?

insanity: doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
ridiculousness: repeating futile and illogical sequences of behavior.
insane ridiculousness: "knowing" god's providence in your life and still being genuinely surprised every time an amazing incident occurs (even though i asked for it, and waited for it, and expected it).

or maybe i'm the only one.

karma's a bone-breaking bitch

so a boy (who we shall refer to as disgusto) told me that my broken thumb was karma for not wanting to "get to know him". which is funny. and gross. since he's still married.

but i think disgusto is about to give up. which means all you crazies have a day or so to get in line. because the spot goes quickly when it opens up.

it would be funny if it weren't so darn true. *sigh*

this has all led me to ponder something today. objectification.

what happens when a person that you admire and feel a connection to becomes less important than the idea of what you think they ought to be in relation to you? when is control of the situation more important than respecting the wishes of someone you care about?

i have these two friends. both of them guys. both of whom i respect very much and think the men of the world could really learn from.

sam beam* (not his real name, but the real name of one of his favorite musicians) and i were talking about differentiation the other night (morning?). differentiation between love and lust.

lust says, i must have you now. not your mind, not your heart. well, only those if it gets me closer to accomplishing the result that i feel compelled to pursue. i will persuade, insist, cajole, and otherwise manipulate you into acting/feeling/thinking the way that i want you to. lust is selfish. lust is about the pursuer.

love is different. love is patient. love is kind. recognize that? love is about accomplishing a shared goal, or the glorification and respect of the other. love is never manipulative, selfish, or insistent. love is not desperate or cruel. love grows beautiful things in your life. love is about the beloved.

good gracious that's a smart boy :)

stevie ray* (see above) was comforting me in my frustration at being pursued in such a revolting way. he is very good at comforting me. this is because he's one of the best friends i've ever had and favorite people of all time. i was responding to a comment he had made, when it hit me. i am being objectified.

suddenly, the frustration of being pursued with lust as the sole motivation became less personal and tragedy less imminent. i, the pursued, could finally see the actions of the pursuer as those of desperation and grasping for control. he had decided what he wanted, and my objections were standing in the way of his ability to carry out those desires. it wasn't about me anymore. it was about the pursuer.

stevie ray confirmed this. and assured me that my attempts to hold myself to a ridiculously high standard and keep my relationships holy and righteous were not in vain. that i deserved better. that we all did.

bless his darlin' heart :)

at the end of all this is the idea that disgusto is not alone in his objectification of others. we all do this. all the time. in fact, we do this to god. well, i know that i do. as i was pondering praying for disgusto and his marriage, i was reminded (via a swift kick in the face) that i treat god in much the same way. i am constantly seeking my own outcome, having already made up my mind how things should be. i care not for the desires and glorification of my beloved, but for his response to me and execution of MY will.

*shivers*

ugly no matter how you look at it. i think we should stop doing this.

you have made my day

even if it's a dream.

alright. i admit it. i'm having a torrid love affair.
very secret. kind of embarassing.
we aren't really involving anyone else.
it's been going on for quite some time, but things are really starting to heat up.

a lot of people think i'm crazy. a bit obsessed.
i should be focusing on more important things...
like my new job.
or getting one that pays more.

but i can't stay away from him.
i want to be thinking about him, listening to songs about him.
every song is a love song.
every song makes me want to dance.
every moon, every cloud, every tree.
all of them romantic beyond belief.

and things are hard right now. really hard.
he showed up just in time.
swept me clean off my feet.
he's been trying forever to get my attention.
even when i'm crying he can make me laugh until it hurts.
the best part is, i can trust him completely, he makes me feel so safe.

i have sold my life to the cause of making sure everyone knows how this feels.
i feel like i can't keep this to myself.
i want to sing and dance around and giggle.
he's made everything so beautiful.

yeshua. my jesus.
son of god.
your name is graven on my wrist.
you've given everything for me. and all you want in return is me.
why do you want me? what could i do for you that would make it worth your while?
hold my face in your hands and tell me i'm yours.
i don't need to know the reasons why.
your gift was unimaginable. how can i keep it to myself?

you have made my day
even in stormy weather.
and i'm dancing in a parade
cause you make bad days better.

great is the way that i am unafraid
when i see you
all my fear goes away

if you'd just realize what i just realized...

*sigh* dreamy day.

if i hadn't had a migraine i'd have worked all day.
but i had one. so i didn't.

if you miss me you should tell me. i feel like i never see anybody.

p.s. the people i work with make it totally worth it. usually.