in the spirit of three stars

i've discovered that it's the days a person most needs to write, that they have the least patience and/or desire for it. yesterday would have been a great day to be honest about what happens to a person's mind and heart on the off days. i haven't been that unabashedly angry in a looooong long time.

a friend of mine said something brilliant when i was in the thick of my anger, unable to reach my mom, my best friends, my office at home...and he was the only person i was actually able to call. he said, "these people that frustrate you may love you, in fact, i know they do. but they are only people. you must continue on, being who you are and loving them knowing they are not, in the end, you. you know what your name is. you know you are."

wise advice. god brings me the best and most brilliant people, i swear.

all of the unpleasantness aside, the past few days have been full of new victories and discoveries for me. for instance, i have been taking trufis to meet people instead of having them pick me up, and i haven't made a mistake in almost a week! not to mention, there are the small things that are victorious for me.

today an abuelita got on the trufi with her nieta, and she only had 1 B for the ride, which costs 2 Bs. for them both. i wasn't going to give her mine, since i only had one, and only large bills after that. but i decided to swallow my fear. i asked the driver if he had change for a 20 Bs. bill....and when he said he did, albeit begrudgingly, i thanked him for helping us, and gave her my coin. she held my hand in her unwashed and sticky hand, and blessed me up one side and down the other. i could see that she was having problems with her eyes, and it appeared to me that it was a neurological deficiency of some sort (yeah, get me in with doctors, and you'll see me in medicine yet :) ). so she asked me where i was going, and i told her i worked at the hospital. she got really excited, and told me about her neurological difficulties (score, i got it on the first try!). she asked me all kinds of questions about her eyes and about when a doctor could see her. i gave her the name of our neurologist, who only comes twice a week, and told her to ask for me if she had any problems. she thanked me, kissed my hands, and then she said the strangest thing. she said, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me." to be honest, i thought i might have gotten the translation wrong. but the longer she looked into my eyes, her eyes blinking and saturated with gratitude, the more i knew that she had meant precisely what she said.

that seems to be a theme for my ministry in bolivia. so many are so outcast by their own people.

you know, sometimes i can be pretty hard on myself, because i cannot yet do what i actually planned to do here. i mean, i can't do it right now. i am literally waiting around for my work to begin, for the lawyers to be freed up to help me start the paperwork for the coffee house. but the lord has continually given me the desire and resources to do more and better than i had ever imagined. the hospital is running more smoothly, the volunteers are happier, and we are steadily increasing our patient load. and all of this because i needed some things to occupy my time, and god saw fit to use me when i presented myself to him :)

aside from the hospital, my interactions with people have been astounding. yesterday i took the volunteers to the baby orphanage, casa de amor, and we helped with the end of dinner and some playing in the yard. when we arrived, i heard a little voice squeal, "tia!" which means "aunt" basically. its a term of endearment that children call elders, tia or tio. i looked down, and wouldn't you know, it was the little girl from my story a looooong time ago. i told a story last time about a little girl who had been found in a ditch and hadn't laughed or smiled, or even eaten since they'd gotten her (see buenos dias de vinto/quillacollo, bolivia!). but miracle of miracles, she remembered me! i kissed her so much i think she thought i would kiss her face off. and tears in my eyes, i looked at this sweet little one. she with a big attitude, and a very very smart little brain. and somewhere in my mind and heart, as i write this now, i feel the words, "thank you so much for not being afraid to love me."

and when i spend time with these wonderful guys, that have completely captured my heart and taught me so much about goodness and love. when i feel god's provision in their presence in my life and see the blatant fruits of the holy spirit so evident in their daily lives...
and i hear the stories of how "christians" have mistreated them and outcast them. basically informed them of their "final destination", my heart breaks. and i want to protect them ferociously. because god is searching for them. pursuing them. wooing them steadily. he told me so.

he is not the god of religion, the god of ceremony and lists, the god of just making it by to a state of acceptability (and not burning). he is the god of the universe. he god of every heart. bigger and infinitely more good and gracious and wise than we could conceive of. loving us, pursuing us, wanting to be with us. and all of that in spite of our rejection of his love. THAT is a god that i can't help but fall on my face in front of. because as much as my heart breaks and yearns for the beautiful souls around me, he is the creator of that heart. of those feelings. he IS that love. unfathomable!

and that is the god that i struggle to reflect. that is why i am not afraid to love them. any of them. what am i but a poor and miserable facsimile of my creator. my lover. my greatest desire.

and so, for now, i will meet my random little old man friend to practice english. and i'll wait for the abuelita with the neurological problems to come to me and bless me again with her sweet smile and her beautiful little dirty hands. and i'll let ale and marcelo take me out to dinner and to watch movies and football, and spend some good quality time with them so that they'll know that i really love them. no matter what. and i'll hug those babies. tight, tight. and fill them up with attention and security. because every moment counts when you're little.

thank you for participating in this ministry with me. thank you for praying and supporting and loving me. your love is what fills me up to overflowing so that i have it to give. such abundance.

unfathomable.

look at the stars

well....
like it or not, i'm awake right now. brain...sheesh.

so i decided to heed my mother's request and write something to help you all get a better picture of what it's like here.

every day i...
wake up to an acapella version of the mission impossible theme song aka my phone alarm (thanks, celo)
make my bed and put my owl on top so he can look at me.
pull on my hair so it will grow faster :)
kiss people hello and goodbye (i know, right?! who of you can picture me doing that!)
sit in my office and get falsely greeted by countless people "buen dia doctora!" (doctora...pft)
eat peanut butter toast, just like in the states. (chris and tasha, tell ester :) )
walk miles and miles.
play with my gorgeous and highly misunderstood german shepherd, sunset.
get a hundred slobbery kisses for "tia brianna" from a beautiful little 5 year old.
epic fail at speaking spanish. and succeed 50 times for each fail.

i also have a rich random life from time to time...
i buy flowers often. and arrange them to put on our dining room table.
i occasionally dance around to jack johnson and the beatles and attempt to help the brits cook.
we go to different places to eat all the time just to try things.
i walk around gardens and take pictures of flowers to put on the wallpaper of my cell.
i feed street dogs my leftovers, and watch little boys juggle knives at stop lights.
some days i drive ester to school.

today we went to a museum and a palace. i got to see stuffed animals (taxidermy, silly) and cases of bugs and butterflies and huge condors hanging about randomly. and then i went into a palace and walked down the gallery of an ornate italian inspired ballroom. i looked into the perfectly preserved faces of angels painted on the vaulted ceilings. and i have never seen french damask silk on walls like i saw it today. sigh. look up palacio de portales. beautiful. i spent some time talking to the girl who guided our tour of the gardens and palace. she was an amazing person, very concerned with helping people and the greater good. and it's highly possible i'll get more opportunities to talk with her, as there will be many arts events at the palace in the future that i plan to attend. her dream since she was 7 was to be a museum curator and guide. what an interesting soul! she also gave some glowing reviews of our hospital and what she'd heard about it, which was perfect encouragement after the past few days we've had.

i wish i could show you the flowers that grow on and hang down off of the trees. i wish you could see the always warm faces of the people, and my random chosen reactions to their nearly constant staring. i wish you could see how dirty my feet get when i go walking about in the city with flip flops on. i wish you could come to la cancha, the market place, and see the fabrics, skirts, and pirated dvds hanging from the tent flaps. i wish you could taste mandarin fanta, and sugar cane freshly cut. i wish you could meet my church kids and see how strong and amazing they already are in their faith at such young ages, and trash talk them in spanish as you're playing boys against girls water games at youth group. and most of all, i wish you could feel these things. because even if i had pictures, which i never make the time to take, it wouldn't even scratch the surface.

so let me know if you can see it. even just a little. and picture me there in your mind. i don't miss my old life as much as i once did. what a blessing.

i really do have a beautiful home.

red right ankle

things have just been crazy! sorry it's taken so long for me to write something...

to begin with, the trip here....
i got delayed in wichita like a long time...and chose to fly to dallas and stay the night there courtesy of american airlines. i was a little panicked because my cell phone had been turned off already, and i didn't have any way to get a hold of anyone who i knew to spend time with there. but i did finally get megan to come (thanks for the help, marynell!) and we had a glorious time. god really gave me a gift in those hours, just settling me down and giving me some perspective. we went to her work, drove around looking at big pretty houses, pretended to be rich people at anthropologie, ate pasta at a really cool new place, drank coffee at starbucks, and hung out at a really cool organic food market. then i came back to the hotel (so tired, no sleep for days before i left) and ate my amazing fruit from the market and watched cartoons until i fell asleep. the next day, i flew to miami. i met a few other missionaries on the flight, which was really cool! one girl was a bolivian who was coming home from a mission trip here, and we got some good fellowship in. also, i met some other american missionaries living here in coch, so it will be wonderful to get to know them more.

when i finally arrived in santa cruz (the miami-santa cruz flight being delayed 5 hours or so) i realized that my luggage was not with me. gross. but i had no time to do anything but sleep for 3 hours and get back to the airport. so i went ahead and flew to coch without it, and began the grueling process of hounding the airline for my stuff. here comes the hard part...

i got RIDICULOUSLY homesick almost immediately upon arriving in cochabamba. i think it was partly because i was so blasted tired. and my clothes were 3 days dirty and so traveled in. and i was thinking about dan and jessica and rosie. and josh's birthday party. and all the other things i wanted so badly to be around for that were so much a part of my life just a few hours before. but i also recognized satan's trick and tried to battle it as much as i could with my tired and lowered defenses. in addition to all that i was dealing with leaving behind, i felt strange and outside the group of volunteers here. even when my luggage finally did get here, and we got the car parts out of customs, i didn't really have anything to do for work yet, and spent the majority of my time wandering about, trying to figure out what everyone was doing. but soon that would change...

we had a power outage at the hospital and the guest house, and someone died in the hospital. i knew immediately that i was supposed to be right there dealing with it, since i'm sort of responsible for making sure everything runs correctly here in the absence of mike. not really sort of. i am supposed to be responsible for all that. so i had to go. and it was a huge HUGE wake up call. tomas got me up and going, and now i'm running full speed ahead. so that has been helpful in working out the "floating about aimlessly." who knew i would ever be responsible for administrating a hospital. god is just so freaking funny.

but to back track a little, there are lots of other things that have been so blessed and helpful. right after i got here, i got back into contact with andrea wilson, a missionary from wichita who lives here with her family, and she took me around to some things and got me involved in a bible study. it was so helpful, just talking about my struggles with integration and all that, and all the while her knowing just what i was feeling. i can't wait to see how god uses our relationship. she's getting me involved in lots of wonderful things with the girls orphanage, and a young adult group that will be meeting on sunday nights. she also helped me get a cell phone, which has been very helpful already. i feel a lot less trapped with a way to communicate if i get lost or separated.

i also really feel like i've connected with the volunteers really strongly. even the ones that just left on saturday. chris, jamie, marissa, and i had some times. oh boy did we have some times :) and i already miss them terribly. but i may see at the very least marissa at urbana in december, so that's a really great thing to look forward to.

i have also gotten to spend some time with marcello, one of the doctors at the hospital that's about my age, and his friend alejandro. i met marcello last time, but i wasn't here long so it's been nice to see him again. ale and marcello have helped me stay sane (which would be REALLY funny to you, if you knew them :) ) and made me feel a lot more at home. there's so much comfort in the small stuff. we walk around in the market and eat ice cream, and go for rides in ale's car and listen to good music. and they are just regular, funny guys, like the ones i hang out with at home. something i didn't know i would need, and such a blessing anyway.

and with all of that, i'm really starting to get comfortable in my spanish. granted, there will always be room for improvement, but i can go around by myself without messing it up too badly, and iris and i are able to say pretty much all we need to now without huge hiccups. soon i'll be driving too, so that will help even more.

all this to say...

every little bit, i remember what i am missing out on at home, and how much i miss all of you. sometimes the pain of it is so acute that it brings tears to my eyes. however, i keep the middle of december in the back of my mind and heart. and i try desperately to live every moment of every day and enjoy it for all the joy and beauty it has to offer. this place is amazing. truly my second home.

thanks so much for your support and prayers. and keep praying! there's a lot to do around here, and i definitely need god's grace and power to even begin to accomplish any of it.

i will write again soon. at least by next monday.

love you guys!!!

upon abandoning a sinking ship...

okay so maybe not sinking....

everything in my life is about waiting right now. waiting and balance.

recently, day after day, i worried and wasted away, wondering what to do about money and my car, and pining away for friends and family. as if july 30th would be the end of my life.

a lot of things have potentially been the end of my life. but if there's one thing god has revealed to me, and hammered into my brain really, it's that time will always pass.

the test will happen, whether you are there to take it or not. and you will not die if you do not take the test. or if you do and you do not do well, the time will pass. you might not graduate on time, but you will not die.

your would-have-been wedding date will come and go. you will or will not get married. and you will not die. either way.

on thursday i will move to bolivia. i will come back to visit no earlier than december. i might be in bolivia for the majority of the next 2 years. and even if i die, it will not be because i moved to bolivia. it will probably be chagas from beetle poop. (is it wrong to laugh when i write that? :) )

these are things i want you (and myself) to know.

i will miss you dreadfully from time to time, and cry when i look at your pictures. i will freak out when i don't hear any english around me for days at a time, and stop speaking altogether for a while. i will take the wrong trufi, be late for important meetings, and screw up paperwork. i will hide in my bed some days because i can't take one more moment of feeling like a walking freak show with my red hair, pale skin, and "evil blue eyes." i will forget things that i swore to remember, i will get sick and want my mom. and it is all but guaranteed that i will disappoint others and myself. but that's definitely not all...

i will make an impression on someone's life that changes the way they see god and his love. i will wait faithfully for provision and peace in all decisions i make. i will have a positive impact on the people i do business with, which will cause them to reevaluate the way they treat others in business situations for the rest of their lives. i will live with the most integrity and honesty that i can manage as a flawed human, and carry truth, love, and forgiveness to ridiculous lengths. i will learn to see what others see, what god sees, when i look at myself, and struggle daily to understand the glorious responsibility it is to be a human entrusted with so much, and so incapable of accomplishing it alone.

every week i'll write a blog post. not sure what day yet, but it will be more scheduled than it has been in the past for sure. keep checking on me. i can't wait to show you the things around me with my words.

and please think of me. at shows where i would have sat in the front and cheered you on. or where i would have been sitting on stage at the piano, singing and feeling at home. and in church with my eyes closed and my shoes off, waiting for a breath of the spirit. at your house, washing your dishes, sleeping on your couch. hugging your kids and cheering them on for going potty. teaching from john. reading bridal and garden magazines while i wait for you in barnes and noble. i'll always be there. you just won't see me :)

you guys are my world. you are the fruits of the gifts god has given me. and i know you believe me when i say that i love each of you so individually.

peace.

they were once at peace

at 5 o'clock this morning i was awake.
i will leave it up to you to decide whether it was awake again or awake still.

i sat barefoot and cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor in front of the big picture window with all the lights left off. the only illumination was that of the moon shining on my face, legs, and arms, and in a pool around me made by the open drapes. i sat there in my black dress, staring past the colored glass vases on the floor sill, watching the river rolling and tossing with the breeze. everything was completely quiet and for a moment there was not one distraction in the world as far as i could see or experience.

whatever it is that one claims to be thinking at a time like this, i have come to recognize the distinct absence of anything concrete. the mind drifts and tosses like the water. sort of bleeding from thought pool to thought pool, often with strong undercurrents of connection between them. my undercurrent last night was the idea of misapprehension.

i've been reading this beautiful book by the current dalai lama (one of the best and greatest humans currently residing on this earth, in my humble opinion), exploring the origins and outcomes of negative and positive emotion. it seems that misapprehension (ignorance, misunderstanding, unnecessary exaggeration) is what causes a positive (or neutral) emotion to become negative. to take this a bit further and give a practical example, our misapprehension of another person's motives and thoughts can lead to vastly unpleasant situations and heaps of negative emotion. gross.

i've admittedly misapprehended much in my life. in fact, i am usually pinning my ideas on others of how they are feeling and what they are thinking. and as i sat there on the floor in the darkest of dark, i waited for the water to show me why i do what i do. i don't know what i thought i would see. but not much else in life has caused me more trouble than my inability to see things as they really are.

i think my lama is right when he says that the key to controlling negative emotion is understanding the discrepancies between who we think we are and who we really are. i truly believe that embracing as much reality as we can grasp and constantly remembering our inherent misapprehension of the intricacies of others' hearts and minds can free us from the recurrence of these situations that so often derail us.

what did i see in the water? the moon. and a little bit of bittersweet sadness that life isn't always what we want it to be. things and people pass. money and time run out. our hearts are handed back to us, sometimes a little worse for the wear.

but at the base of all of it, we have a strong and abiding undercurrent.

hope.

new ends. new beginnings. unseen and unforeseen blessings.

maybe i'll see you at 5 o'clock.

do me a favor...

imagine me here. if i could put a little "x" right in front of the lady with the lavender pants (where is my suzanka when i need her??) that is where
i'd be.

if i had the money.

if i had the time.

if i took things into my own hands and ignored god's will and calling.



i used to live somewhere near here. i used to take it for granted. there are things you should know. i want to tell you a story, one of times i don't talk about anymore.

one night, probably around 11 or 11:30, i was walking home by myself. i was basking in some much needed alone time, following a bad bout of culture shock. people staring, whispering in russian.

i had been at our flat near pushkinskaya cleaning and preparing to move in our next group of americans. knowing full well that it was dangerous for me to be out so late alone, i had lost all track of time, enjoying the moment of preparation and nesting, getting food put away neatly and clean sheets on all the beds. i can be so domesticated at times :)

i knew the bus routes and the metro stops instinctively, so i was taking my time, looking around and falling ever more in love with this beautiful city of my heart. a babushka stopped me asking for money. she was selling daisies, a favorite of mine, so i bought some to bring back to lenuchka for letting us stay at her flat while we prepared ours. and flowers cost practically nothing. i was thinking about finding some sort of surprise gift for jeremy and amy, who had stayed behind that day to get ready for camp. gifts are my love language toward others, and it was easy to give to my heart's content because of all the little stands and peddlers along the way to things.

walking past a little cafe, i stopped to watch inside. as i was standing there, holding my daisies, i suddenly felt small and very young. a man was coming out. he wore a striped shirt and a funny hat. he had smart plastic framed glasses and a greying beard. his huge bushy eyebrows shook like little caterpillars crossing over his eyes.

as if time were standing still, frozen for just a moment, i stood in my spot and gazed up at his weathered face. he smiled warmly, reached out, and put his rough hand on my cheek (which i would never normally tolerate). "my little one" he said, in a lazy belarussian accent, and patted me on the head. "so beautiful, my little one."

i rode the rest of the way home with a strange smile glued to my face. i couldn't read, or knit. i just existed, so completely safe and cared for. i didn't notice anyone else or anything else. and i've never forgotten a stitch of that moment as much time has passed since.

god cares for me in the funniest ways. i've seen him in that man, one warm island in a city full of nightly drunks and woman abusers. in a little old chinese woman sitting with me in the sidewalk when i was lost in chicago. in a tiny baby at an orphanage in quillacollo that reminded me of god's plan for me. in a huge black man with a god stocking hat, holding me and letting me cry when my car was broken into in kcmo.

so i pray that he sees fit to continue to visit me.

james dean

tonight i did something rare and very special.

i rode around in my friend's car with my feet hanging out the window.

it was dark, and we had the music on so loud. matthew was driving, and katie and i were putting our heads out the windows and catching the wind with our faces and our hair and our hands.

the humidity made it feel like we'd gone swimming. swimming all around the highways at night, passing people and laughing and singing. our faces warm from wind burn and happiness. and every cop we passed made us feel dangerous and free. like they couldn't catch us even if they wanted to.

and as we got farther and farther from all the lights and sounds, feet sprawled out on the dashboard, the stars exploded around us in time with radiohead...you are all i need. and we sighed deeply, in unison.

those small things are the things that i will miss most and treasure so closely when i'm away. i'll have new sorts of romance and drama. stories involving crazy trufi rides, birthday parties with pinatas, new babies being born into our family, and misspeaking spanish hilariously (i've got juice in my shorts!!!) ...

but there is no substitute for perfect comfort and contentment with the families we've made for ourselves.

hang your feet out the window. you'll understand, i know it.

and really bad eggs...

i've been thinking about contentment. what makes us "happy".

happy is such a fleeting feeling. it's so temporary, so transient. and it comes from such small things so much of the time.

but i am sitting here wondering why i am not always content. you know, the deep abiding happiness. the kind that feels warm and full even when you step in dog poo and have to push your own car up a hill as people drive by and honk. yeah.

i am so loved.
i am completely free.
i am always provided for.

a song that fits so perfectly into my soul that it molds into my bones and becomes me. a cup of coffee in front of me, and the blessed money to buy it. a bright and romantic future full of adventure and the freedom to chase it furiously. and those are just the big things...

i was genuinely smiled at by a stranger. there's a bird with purple wing feathers on the railing outside. i feel comfortable in my own skin, just for a moment.

i don't mind when people say that i see things with "child-like wonder". because when i lose my awe and wonder i wilt. i feel like i was made to reflect the grandiose, the glorious. the seemingly insignificant things that surround us.

i like to think it's charming :)

i wish you to really see the things around you. contentment is so very possible.

jumbly hot mess of ridiculous

you know how people use the symbol keys to cuss when they don't want to actually write the word? well if this makes any sense...i feel like a jumble of those symbols all together. not with the cussing, per say, just agitated and explicit. i'm feeling explicit.

!@^#!@%^! <-- me

the # feels particularly applicable i suppose. sharp and serious. cross, if you will.

my brain is about to overthrow me, i think. maybe have a recount or just a whole new election (iran, you feel me, right?) (which would make me mahmoud ahmedinejad). (inappropriate over-use of ( )'s) ((( y) ) ((e) ) (s??))

listening to keren ann can only make you so calm, before you begin to resent the beauty of it all. here you are, stewing in a giant vat of ugly, and keren ann has the nerve to croon lovely melodies and catchy chord progressions in your ear. there's something oddly juxtaposed about all of it. but maybe that's how my heart hasn't jumped out and flopped about all nimbly-bimbly on the floor yet. she's lowering my blood pressure.

i sometimes forget that the whole world doesn't know how important i believe every detail of my life is. so when i'm going through something traumatic and staring down a harsh and complicated future, and someone doesn't afford me the appropriate courtesy, i tend to want to snap their head off and play soccer with it.

unfair as it may seem, since this person clearly had no idea how upset i already was, i still had to restrain a POWERFUL urge to rain down the fire of heaven on the head of said person, and remove the bowels with my pinky nail and a hammer.

now do you see why my brain is about to institute a mutiny? when did i ever feel homicidal to the point of bowel removal???

lord preserve my sanity, as i make entirely too big of a deal out of small things, and worry fruitlessly about them until their arrival.

and to you in iran, stick it to the man!!!

badanas (2 year-old for bananas)

this morning i woke up extra early, all by myself. no alarms, didn't get to bed early last night, just ready to be up and around. besides, natasha and the kids were there and i don't get to see them nearly enough. it's funny to live with people and never see them.

it's funny to live with people and miss them when you're in the same house.

if you read this, family, i miss you.

i find myself doing this a lot. i would rather leave a message for someone than talk to them. they might be sitting 6 feet from me and if i can't get up the nerve to say something, i'll email them. from 6 feet away. i'm not saying this has happened before, maybe...
okay it might have happened before.
maybe.

it's just that i am scared of talking to the people i care the most for sometimes. and usually it's when i most need to talk to them that i decide i can't make myself do it. and computers are sooooo easy to hide behind.

so i've decided to start a list of things i would or should say but i'm too scared.
nothing too big. just a beginner list.

and when i grow a pair, i'll write it here :)

time for lunching. avacado and mango...mmmmmmm

ketchup, get it???

well, it's been a couple of months, and neither of them the least bit uneventful, i might add.

i'm living in south wichita now, with two of my favorite friends, and couple of sweet kids. great kids. they light up my entire day, even when they're being ornery. and boy can they be ornery.

i love not being alone. i love that chris brings home the best music from the library. i love that i get to do natasha's hair and help her pick out clothes. and when ester helps me put on my make up in the morning and "brush" my hair. i love it when justice is sleepy and just lays his head lazily on my shoulder in the morning before his nap, staring out the window.

if you don't have a family, you should look into finding one. sometimes the best ones just appear :)

i've been pulled in so many directions these past few weeks. just feeling really lost and out of control. my life seems to be scheduled down to the half hour by everyone else's needs and desires, and i get to decide occasionally if i would rather do what they want or make them angry and hide. so this morning i hid.

i woke up leisurely, to a text from a friend who had imbibed a little extra last night, to put it delicately. she remembered seeing me. gosh, i miss her. then i put on some sweats, and emerged into the pre-wedding craziness in the living room. love it :)

after pulling little pre-chewed pieces of apple out of ester's hair, rescuing justice from the potty stool, flipping natasha's hair out with the straightener, and finally locating the overwhelmed and hiding kinley (dog), my family left for the wedding. god speed.

now i am blissfully stationed at the kitchen table. still in my pajamas at noon fifteen. eating peanut butter toast, drinking bolivian coffee, listening to wilco, and watching the birds out in the back yard. little red flowers are waving randomly in the grass, and the wind is just cool enough that i am contemplating whether or not i can get away with a scarf today.

this is the perfect remedy for what ails me. whatever it is, it doesn't stand a chance this morning. all that's left is for me to get showered and dressed, and head up to watermark books to begin replenishing the parched wasteland that is my brain.

mmmmm.

webster: blog edition

quiet: what happens when you give all your noise makers away.

missing: your television. that you never realised you actually cared about until it was gone...

swiggety-sweet: stealing internet from your neighbor on your friend's computer so that you don't go crazy with the quiet and the missing.

one-eyed jake

i'm sitting at mead's. my beautiful coffee shop. the one of my dreams. the one i waited for. put my whole heart into.

what really brings me to tears is the art hanging on the wall. this place of beauty and quiet and coffee noise and chatter and music has a soul. and the painting looking at me is an old man. with one eye (that you can see). i've decided to call him jake. i feel like he told me that is his name.

he likes it here. so do i. jake and i like a lot of the same things. he likes the wall too. i always loved that wall.

every day i see something else that's new that i love. every time i look up, i take a picture with my eyes and try to memorize the parts that resonate so with my heart. this reflection of god's gentle plea...his invitation to wichita to spend some time in a place dedicated to his glory.

and let no one ever say this place was not born of his glory.

to me, this is beauty. but a lot of things are beautiful.

like the feeling you get when you see tears and you can bring a smile.
like when you realize that you really really love somebody.
like the feeling in your heart when you know god's heart and see who HE thinks you are.

i felt those today.

i made helen smile. someone i really really love gave me a suitcase. and i saw myself in a mirror (my mortal enemy) wearing the dress for the banquet and lost my breath at the sight of god's glory.

have a beautiful day.

slacker...

new music thursdays thus far:

zero 7 - in the garden
listen to the entire album. it's amazing.
cash it in and throw it all away....

and...

trespassers william - having
my favorites are "and we lean in", "ledge", "hands up", and "what of me".

enjoy!!!

new music thursday

because thursday just isn't that fantastic of a day all by itself.

be prepared...it's coming!

the pageant of the bizarre

i was listening to a song this morning. one of those good ones you find on your ipod and didn't even know you had. the one you put on repeat and listen to all morning.

yeah. you know what i mean.

there's something about it. the awkward accordian music. the synthesizers. the words that seem to describe exactly how you feel about yourself and your life in general.

it brought me to place i only see inside myself. i can't go there. i can't accurately describe to you what it would look like in real life. i can tell you how it feels.

odd.

the smells and the sights. the strange lighting and beautiful awkwardness of the setting. it's damp. and greenish gray. black. everything is old. and while it seems scary and morbid it's actually the most comfortable place i've ever known. lace and spiders and torn clothing. and loneliness. good, deep, self-sustaining loneliness.

kind of like a haunted house without the haunting and only i am there.

i like that place. and i can't avoid the fact that i'll never be full of hearts and flowers. the music of my soul will always be in a minor key. my head will always be full of metal and holes. i'll always have writing on my body.

and i'll never have non-descript blonde hair.