upon abandoning a sinking ship...

okay so maybe not sinking....

everything in my life is about waiting right now. waiting and balance.

recently, day after day, i worried and wasted away, wondering what to do about money and my car, and pining away for friends and family. as if july 30th would be the end of my life.

a lot of things have potentially been the end of my life. but if there's one thing god has revealed to me, and hammered into my brain really, it's that time will always pass.

the test will happen, whether you are there to take it or not. and you will not die if you do not take the test. or if you do and you do not do well, the time will pass. you might not graduate on time, but you will not die.

your would-have-been wedding date will come and go. you will or will not get married. and you will not die. either way.

on thursday i will move to bolivia. i will come back to visit no earlier than december. i might be in bolivia for the majority of the next 2 years. and even if i die, it will not be because i moved to bolivia. it will probably be chagas from beetle poop. (is it wrong to laugh when i write that? :) )

these are things i want you (and myself) to know.

i will miss you dreadfully from time to time, and cry when i look at your pictures. i will freak out when i don't hear any english around me for days at a time, and stop speaking altogether for a while. i will take the wrong trufi, be late for important meetings, and screw up paperwork. i will hide in my bed some days because i can't take one more moment of feeling like a walking freak show with my red hair, pale skin, and "evil blue eyes." i will forget things that i swore to remember, i will get sick and want my mom. and it is all but guaranteed that i will disappoint others and myself. but that's definitely not all...

i will make an impression on someone's life that changes the way they see god and his love. i will wait faithfully for provision and peace in all decisions i make. i will have a positive impact on the people i do business with, which will cause them to reevaluate the way they treat others in business situations for the rest of their lives. i will live with the most integrity and honesty that i can manage as a flawed human, and carry truth, love, and forgiveness to ridiculous lengths. i will learn to see what others see, what god sees, when i look at myself, and struggle daily to understand the glorious responsibility it is to be a human entrusted with so much, and so incapable of accomplishing it alone.

every week i'll write a blog post. not sure what day yet, but it will be more scheduled than it has been in the past for sure. keep checking on me. i can't wait to show you the things around me with my words.

and please think of me. at shows where i would have sat in the front and cheered you on. or where i would have been sitting on stage at the piano, singing and feeling at home. and in church with my eyes closed and my shoes off, waiting for a breath of the spirit. at your house, washing your dishes, sleeping on your couch. hugging your kids and cheering them on for going potty. teaching from john. reading bridal and garden magazines while i wait for you in barnes and noble. i'll always be there. you just won't see me :)

you guys are my world. you are the fruits of the gifts god has given me. and i know you believe me when i say that i love each of you so individually.

peace.