alive!

that's me. rejoining the land o' the living one toenail at a time.

and i'm eating cake. right now, actually. and puffed wheat.

i have this funny spring-ish type stirring in my soul these days. i'm feeling quite romantic, thinking of skirts and green grass, and wishing it were warmer and sunnier.

and lately, it seems that i'm feeling more romantic in other ways too. i was, until very recently, quite content with my station in life. happy with sweet brothers and generally settled in my singleness. but i've been thinking about these ideas. sneaky ideas, conspiring to infiltrate my consciousness. the idea of holding someone's hand. the idea of sitting across from someone in the grass by the river, staring into his eyes, and being unable to see anyone else or think of anything else. the idea of someone singing to me. the idea of liking these ideas.

more than anything, i've been wishing lately that someone thought i was amazing. and not just, wow, she's a good leader/good teacher/excellent friend amazing. i wish someone thought i was so amazing that they were intrigued by me, unable to stop thinking about me, in awe of the things that make me beautiful and different.

and for all this, i blame valentine's day. darn pink hearts.

today.

i almost died.

i got dizzy. fever. dehydrated.

i fell down and hit my head.

then they wanted $1000 to scan my brain.

no way man. rapid onset flu, they said. possible concussion.

now people are brianna sitting.

i don't like being taken care of.

love is...

different.

i don't think it ever really goes away. it just changes. like remembering when you wanted to marry someone. and then hearing yourself tell the lady who is borrowing your phone in brahms that this person is your brother and these beautiful, intelligent, articulate boys aren't your kids.

and love is hard. like trying to forget someone who helped you become who you are.

but love is also worth it. seeing love in the eyes and the face of someone looking only at you. even after all the crud and gunk that's passed between you, time apart, and cruel words.

it's hard to accept. like god's love. unwarrented. undeserved. largely underappreciated.

but it was still there. just different.

huh.