right now i am sitting in casablanca, my favorite coffee shop. usually i am at home in my room when i write, but i guess i needed a change of scenery today. i left bible study this morning, brimming over and about ready to explode. i knew it was time.
i have to tell you, you don't know how many times i have given up this past week. i mean, really called it all in and layed down to face the end. lord knows i haven't been very faithful in my writing lately, mostly because i've been so turned inward. it was hard to see out. but i've decided, today it ends. today, i stand up and take posession of the victory that rightly belongs to me. to us.
the other day i was talking to a dear friend of mine. she asked how i was handling all the stess and loneliness. after a week of pain and confusion, and lots of death and worry.
this was my feeble, yet resolved response.
think of a rock. alone.
out about a mile or so off shore in the ocean.
i am perched precariously on this rock.
the storm is raging.
the wind is howling.
every little bit, the sea swallows it whole, trying to wash me over and drown me in myself.
my clothes are full of holes.
the salt burns my skin and my eyes.
but i plant my feet and scream defiantly into the gale.
"i will not be moved!"
no, damn it. i will not be moved.
take everything from me.
my friends, my family.
comfort.
strip me bare, leave me alone in the dark, with danger all around me and no way to protect myself.
i will still spit in the face of the devil.
i will stare him down and call on the sun to stand still in the sky. (joshua 10)
and my god will take care of the details. he will answer the repercussions.
because this world, this country, this city, my body, my family. they belong to him.
i will not be moved.
i am done being defeated.
i am done feeling unworthy.
i am done watching from the outside.
searching for the light meekly and in vain.
i woke up today a beaten woman.
i walked out of our prayer just now a warrior filled with passion.
here's the deal. the root of it all.
i want so desperately to be who he thinks i am.
and i have never even come close to trying.
honest. that's low down brutal honesty there.
but somebody needs to hear this.
i am who he thinks i am. we are. you are.
he brought me all the way here, planting provision in my every step. loving every stop along the way when i'd see a little piece of him and get it. just for a minute.
and if he would seek after me so relentlessly. me.
the most dreadful, useless liar.
an adulterer. the most unfaithful lover.
leaving deceit and pain in my wake.
lazy. cowardly, i could go on...
why in the world wouldn't you believe he'd come after you???
that's how i know. if it takes everything i have, every last breath, drop of blood.
every ounce of my strength.
i must believe him.
i have to.
i have to trust that who he is, is enough - more than enough - to cover my deception and defeat.
he can redeem even me. even you.
what's more, he wants to.
he must be god.
i was going to give up. not just give up being in bolivia. i don't know what i thought i would do.
but i felt finished.
and then i really felt it. the truth.
he will never give up.
i can never give up.
i'll leave you with some lyrics from a radiohead song (videotape) that's been pursuing me all day...
you are my center when i spin away.
no matter what happens now
i won't be afraid
because i know
today has been the most perfect day i have ever seen.
don't give up.
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