what kind of day was this?

i'm sitting here, in the middle of the night. on a couch that isn't mine. in a house where i do not live. using a computer that isn't mine. wearing a sweatshirt that isn't mine. drinking milk that isn't mine. waiting for someone who isn't coming down the stairs.

depressing as it seems, it is yet quite comforting. i like this place. it's a good life we have.

the heater is squeaking strangely. i've never noticed it before. maybe it's because it's so quiet now. so very quiet. you see, i'm at the boys' house. matthew's been gone for a few days, and he's home, but he's sleeping now. i didn't even see him when i came in, because he has to work at 6 am. and i took josh to the airport today with travis. now they're in portland. so he's going to be gone for several days. but i came back tonight. and here i sit. mostly because i might not actually live here, but it's more comfortable for me to sit on this couch alone, no real excuse for being here, than it is to sit in my own house alone, listening to my bird tell me how much he hates being alone. i agree with him.

i miss the boys. i miss my family.

i like the comforting silence of sleeping households. i told someone the other day that my ideal life would be standing in my darkened house some day. i'll be old, tired, and so very happy. i want to have so many children and grandchildren that i have to step all around and over them to get to the bathroom on christmas eve night. and i'll stand in the door way smiling, my heart warm and full. then i'll know that feeling of completion, having accomplished the most deeply imbedded of god's desires for my life.

so that's why i'm here. other people might not understand why it's perfectly acceptible for me to be sitting here like this. they might not even understand what it means to me to just be here right now. but i know. and the boys know. we're a family of our own. we chose each other. i like to know they're sleeping safely. wherever they are. i like to feel the warmth of knowing we're in the same house. i feel a little less myself when they've been gone for long.

i hope for everyone to know this feeling at some point. as much and as often as possible really.

thanks be to god.