no place like home...

so i've been missing for a while. i will save you the exhaustive update.

i am alive. some things happened. i survived. i am home.

i'm currently in that hibernatory state that occasionally creeps up on me when i am overwhelmed.

and i am overwhelmed.

don't get me wrong. i am so happy to be home, just totally peopled out. i am sure it is only for the day. right now i am hiding in a strategic location, gloriously lost in looking at pretty fabric patterns and contemplating the future activities in my visit. praying for my friend and her family in the loss of her mom. dreaming about my project and seeking that new perspective that will launch me when i return to it in october. missing my family like crazy. worrying about money.

and i am so grateful for it all :)

so good to be home again.

take only what you need from it

quite a day yesterday. it occurs to me that i would dearly love to be working in a coffee shop today. reading a book. talking to people. watching the sun move over the floor tiles. i've grown quite impatient waiting for who knows what to happen so we can get started.

yesterday i began a consulting arrangement with a hotel here in cocha. a really beautiful, peaceful, expensive hotel :) not only did i have the time of my life, i realized how much i miss getting to really work. watching someone's face when i make them a drink that they've never had before. something amazing they didn't know was possible. and the smell....

of the air that drifted through the halls. drawing people in from the gardens. in my clothes last night when i put on my pajamas. in my nose when i left, tempting me to return. that smell when i got the grind just right, and pulled the perfect shot, in just the right amount of time.... *sigh*

i miss that. tomorrow they are delivering my furniture for the smaller cafe in the hospital. after it arrives, i will take a picture, and go out to find beautiful things to add to the shelves and counter space to make it lovely. i'm so ready. we won't make much money there. but it's the idea of it. something beautiful and different. something to comfort the people waiting.

coffee is such an amazing thing :)

deep red bells

i just realized that it's really been almost exactly a month since i've written anything. i suppose i spend so much time living that i forget to write home about it :) i didn't think you'd mind.

things have changed so much in the past month. i've moved down the hill to a friend of mine's old house. she has moved back to the states, and i have taken over her house and i'm temporarily responsible for her two dogs. wow. dogs. i haven't ever had dogs on my own before, and i must say, it's a tough job! they don't reason like kids do....

last night i policed bedtime with 7 rowdy kids at the orphanage and had them all asleep within 15 minutes. but you can reason with them. "if you don't quit mouthing off and being rude, i am going to tell tia elena (house mom) everything you have said and done." "NO tia, NO!" snore. and another. "but tia, i am in a bed. i'm in leydi's bed. because....i need to change my pajamas." "are your pajamas in leydi's bed?" "well no...." shuffle shuffle. "goodnight, tia." snore. but the dogs?

"why have you eaten my book? AGAIN?" blank stare. tail wag. "why did you eat nicholas' book too???? it's not even mine! and it was up on the shelf!!" blank stare. whine. feet over the eyes. and you can be sure, the very next time i leave them alone for too long. chomp, chomp, chomp.

so long, shoes.

so long, random papers by the phone.

so long, texas chainsaw massacre playing cards.

dogs.

many other very random amazing things have been happening lately. for instance, i randomly ran into a friend of a friend when i was out with said friend, and it turned out, her friend has just started an NGO here to work with impoverished folks. what's more, our causes are intertwined! so we agreed to meet, and in our meeting, discovered that we can do great things together and for one another. there's a small chance i will be joining forces and becoming part of this NGO, as they have formally asked me, and i am seriously considering it. more information to follow, when more definite decisions are made, of course. but it will make absolutely everything about my time here easier and more efficient if i do become part of it. not only that, i have been blessed with some sweet consulting jobs. so everything seems to be rounding out nicely.

in addition to all this, we have decided to start a small cafe in the hospital, and it looks like we'll have it open in a few weeks. joy! the furniture has been ordered, to be shipped this week, and we're on our way :) now if we can just get the coffee machine working again...

the greatest blessings by far have been the growing partnerships we've been given with this project. not long after i arrived, nicholas offered to work with me, and has since been the most amazing help to me. in truth, we've accomplished so much more together than we could have separately, or i could have without him. and recently, our friend mari has offered to join forces with us as well. without divulging too much detail, i can say that our projects can, and really should, coexist in the same space. so we're looking for a place where we can be together and work to accomplish our similar goals. each project strengthening a place in which the other is weak.

so that's about it. i have a beautiful home. wonderful community. and i love living here.

hi, my name is brianna. i live in cochabamba..... gulp. indefinitely :)

could we find freedom?

one of the greatest strains/most amazing accomplishments a missionary can accrue, is wrapping your brain around the time and location issue. i feel like i have little epiphanies all day long, each one revealing a little piece of the picture. as if this life i'm leading is a puzzle and i am missing several pieces. only when i forget everything else, and become immersed in the moment, can i find them, one at a time. this is the one moment when the goal is most clear, and one begins to develop more and stronger cravings for those moments as time progresses.

my time here is so different from the time i spend at home. for instance, when you want something, it is often not available. gas for the stove. bananas at 9 pm. food that doesn't require extensive preparation. to hug your god-daughters or niece. but it's the lack of those things that often make you stronger in the end. for one thing....no gas for the stove means no eating at bad times of night. same with the other two. and no hugs means more anticipation and more words about the times when hugs can be had. this is not a place of instant gratification.

i've seen some really beautiful pieces of the puzzle lately. today in particular, i received a rather large one. there's a really beautiful palace/giant house here called the palace of doors. palacio de portales. it's old. and beautiful. and full of history. there are gardens all around it, art and sculpture. i'd only been there during the day previously, walking in the gardens with nicholas, or on a tour of the house with the volunteers. tonight there was a concert, part of a festival of bach pieces to be played over the course of a month or so. the chamber orchestra played in the ballroom of the house, and the four of us (myself, nicholas, kelley, and amy) decided to attend.

sitting in the old wooden chairs, under the precisely maintained painted ceilings. the grand staircase rising up behind my head. the imported french damask silk walls shining in the light. a clavinette, viola di gambo, cello, flute, and violin serenaded us. bach or no bach, however one feels about baroque music, the weight of history and participation in something magnificent, was tangible. in the beginning i did not notice my surroundings and their call for my attention. i lost myself watching the colors dance and thinking of home. putting myself back in alumni auditorium. under the rose window. behind the black curtain. clarinets in my lap, reeds in my mouth. the smell of music and old ink.

i could have stayed there forever. evading the reality of my distance not only in space, but in time from that particular place. but the thought occurred to me at some point, that i was missing the silk. the huge wooden doors that the house was named for, opening to admit the fresh night air and the smell of the gardens. the grand staircase. the ballroom. something became terribly clear to me at that exact moment.

my life will always be what i choose to make it. i can attend chamber concerts at home. i can attend them here. i can read and enrich my mind at home. i can read and enrich my mind here. i can be myself at home, and i can, and really must be myself here. the time is too short and too valuable. too valuable to refuse to see the reality of what is happening around me, and truly participate in it.

we must be present. we must be grateful. we must choose to clear away the blinders of discontent and choose to make our lives something good and beautiful.

it's so very possible, it's overwhelming.

no more diamonds.

i've begun this several times. just watching the blinking cursor over and over. waiting for the words to come. i'm giving up. i'll just push forward....

the trip here was smooth. only one little hiccup at the very end with the miami to santa cruz flight lasting longer than expected, causing me to miss my flight from santa cruz to cochabamba. i have to tell you, by the time i finally arrived at the airport here, i was so happy to know i hadn't dreamed it all before, that i couldn't contain myself.

the very first thing i did was call marcelo and ale to come get me. the second thing was to pile my giant assortment of baggage (that all made it here this time!!!) at brazilian cafe and order jugo de maracuya con agua.

the greatest ridiculousness of culture shock is how often you find yourself certain that everything is fine and you are adjusting perfectly. inevitably, moments later you become a babbling idiot. i tried to think of good examples, but they're all too humiliating. take my word for it. just think of me getting lost looking for shower curtains in la cancha and forgetting the ENGLISH word for them.

all in all, i believe that my body and my brain are finally in agreement concerning where i am, as of some time this afternoon. i don't feel lost anymore. i don't wake up thinking i'm at home. or wondering how i got into barb's room. i smell things and see things that i remember. and best of all, i can have a meal with spanish speakers and actually carry on important conversations. i even saw my first full movie in spanish (alice in wonderland), and i didn't miss a thing language wise. like riding a bike.

so don't worry about me. it was one of the worst feelings i've ever felt when i had to go through security that morning, never wonder how deeply i carry you all in my heart. but that time seems far away now, thank goodness. and i have things to do.

here's a good story to finish. one of our best and brightest boys came to amy's house today and i got a chance to see him. he has such a beautiful smile and sweet spirit. he told me he was so glad i came back, and had been waiting to see me. when i gave him my number so he could call if he needed anything, he looked at me earnestly with sober eyes, and promised he would. i'm praying fervently for him to trust me. that's how he'll know. how he'll know that god wants him and cares for him. it will be wonderful to see him understand love.

so this is joy (terrible, awful, the leaving)

the time is drawing near once again. it's time for the leaving.

a person would imagine that at some point the leaving would feel less severe. that the ache of being separated would ease, and the body would remember how good it feels to come back, and how soon that time seems to arrive. and simultaneously remember how sometimes being back hurts worse than the leaving.

a person would imagine "if everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind," as the song says, that the hole would eat up life at some point and overtake the soul. or maybe that's just how the leaving feels at it's core.

maybe the leaving is, at it's best, a reminder of how deep love can permeate. and at it's worst, a situation that can trick and keep one complacent and stagnant in fear of loss or missed experiences.

whatever it is, rest assured that the leaving will rend me in two more viciously and violently this time than ever before. it's nothing we've done wrong. nothing i could have prepared for. it's something we've done right. incredibly, painfully, beautifully, right.

thank you for making the leaving so dreadfully perfect. and so necessary. you know who you are.

the music makes me feel so beautiful

sun kil moon always makes me feel beautiful and sort of blushy. like the harmony and sweetness of it meshes with my cells and brightens my countenance by proximity. radiohead does that sometimes too.

my booth faces the big glass windows in the front of one of my favorite coffee shops. i like this shop. i like this booth. i like the coffee. and i love the cloudy day. even when i was opening my own shop, i still came here in the afternoons. maybe it's for the anonymity. maybe it's for the variety. maybe i'm a coffee shop whore :)

so, coming home was hard. it was all so anticipatory on the airplane. when they finally let me out of the passport control and customs in bolivia, i was so shaken up and nervous that i cried off and on half the way to jamaica. lol. luckily the lady next to me didn't speak english, so i was able to distract myself by talking to her and helping her order her food and such. god knows what we need.

the phrase "no te preocupes" (don't worry) was a staple in that whole process, and it is now and will be forever one of the most comforting phrases i have ever heard...thank god for those words.

after enjoying my first peppermint mocha at starbucks in the miami airport, i said goodbye to my lovely ruth (very hard to do) and found another starbucks to pass the time while i waited to finally head home to the midwest. all the flights were miraculously on time. and there was snow waiting for me in dallas along with a very good friend who i was perfectly delighted to see. after a brilliant night in a huge bed with a real down comforter, i woke up way too early out of excitement and headed to the airport.

everything after that is pretty much a haze. just....cloudy. i know i cried almost the entire flight to wichita. i know i cried after i rounded the corner and saw my friends. i know we went to eat at my favorite mexican food place for lunch. i know i became supremely irritated at not having a phone, and stayed that way for a few days till my wonderful brother victor came to the rescue.

just yesterday or maybe the night before, something changed. i think my body finally settled down and figured out that i wasn't moving around anymore. travel will do that to you. you get so used to moving all the time, and changing your surroundings so drastically, that you feel antsy and distracted even after you get to the stopping point. i'm settling. finally. whew.

so what now? now we process. now we write. now we record. now we rest and prepare. because the task wasn't the preparing. the task will be the doing. and loving that deeply, giving that much, pushing through that kind of hardship and defeat....that is not for the faint of heart. so in this time, i will study and read and listen for god to instruct me. because i have to be ready for a fight. it's always a fight to tear something out of satan's grasp. and he wants those street kids.

so we're going to stand in the gap for them. you, me, jesus, and enough love to see them through the failures and setbacks that are sure to come. i'll be writing more often i hope. thanks so much for the support and love you continue to give me wherever i am.

it's good to be at home.