what kind of day was this?

i'm sitting here, in the middle of the night. on a couch that isn't mine. in a house where i do not live. using a computer that isn't mine. wearing a sweatshirt that isn't mine. drinking milk that isn't mine. waiting for someone who isn't coming down the stairs.

depressing as it seems, it is yet quite comforting. i like this place. it's a good life we have.

the heater is squeaking strangely. i've never noticed it before. maybe it's because it's so quiet now. so very quiet. you see, i'm at the boys' house. matthew's been gone for a few days, and he's home, but he's sleeping now. i didn't even see him when i came in, because he has to work at 6 am. and i took josh to the airport today with travis. now they're in portland. so he's going to be gone for several days. but i came back tonight. and here i sit. mostly because i might not actually live here, but it's more comfortable for me to sit on this couch alone, no real excuse for being here, than it is to sit in my own house alone, listening to my bird tell me how much he hates being alone. i agree with him.

i miss the boys. i miss my family.

i like the comforting silence of sleeping households. i told someone the other day that my ideal life would be standing in my darkened house some day. i'll be old, tired, and so very happy. i want to have so many children and grandchildren that i have to step all around and over them to get to the bathroom on christmas eve night. and i'll stand in the door way smiling, my heart warm and full. then i'll know that feeling of completion, having accomplished the most deeply imbedded of god's desires for my life.

so that's why i'm here. other people might not understand why it's perfectly acceptible for me to be sitting here like this. they might not even understand what it means to me to just be here right now. but i know. and the boys know. we're a family of our own. we chose each other. i like to know they're sleeping safely. wherever they are. i like to feel the warmth of knowing we're in the same house. i feel a little less myself when they've been gone for long.

i hope for everyone to know this feeling at some point. as much and as often as possible really.

thanks be to god.

i owe ya one...

things you always wished you knew about me...

my grandparents were born in ireland. so i'm no st. patrick's day poser :)
i love olives. particularly kalamata olives.
listening to the clash makes me think of jesus.
i hate good friday.
i love my daddy more than any other man on earth and i'll marry a man just like him.
wearing heels makes me feel cute and important.
pretty music makes me cry. every time.
i like boys who are the opposite of clean and pretty. and let's hear it for the stubbly beards!

it's so pretty today. i loved laying in bed under the covers, knowing i had nowhere to be, listening to the rain on the metal air conditioner in my window. i loved standing at the door in my pj's and robe, watching the rain wash my driveway and clean off my car.

my bird thinks it's always night time i think because it's been gray and rainy since he came home. oh yeah, i got a new friend. his name is teapot, and he's a blue-green parakeet. he's just lovely. i simply adore him. i'm teaching him to say his name, and whistle the nbc chord. n, b, c. teapot and i are going to be very happy together. i will start trying to hold him tomorrow. wish me luck! he just started making birdy noises today, so i think he's starting to loosen up, but he'll bite me a lot for the next few weeks until we're used to eachother. the girl at the pet store told me he was just a baby though, so it shouldn't draw blood, just pinch a bit. he already proved her wrong. i took him out of his bath tub last night and he bit my finger pretty good, made the cuticle bleed. but he's still the gall-dern cutest thing i've ever seen. n, b, c. :)

finally, in other news, the fight club is an amazingly dark and beautiful movie. i still have no idea what it's about and i've seen it twice. fantastic.

if you could get a telegram from any figure in history, who would you choose, and what would it say? my answer will follow in the next post. ready, go!

things i do not like, and things i do like (not in that particular order of course...)

i like:
sleeping
eating things i should
eating things i should not
taking a bath at night before bed
feeling in control
warm weather with skirts and small shoes
the rain through the windows
album leaf #5

i do not like:
feeling stressed
being with people when i'd rather be alone
people knowing me and refusing to leave me alone
being too busy to be happy
missing my mama and daddy
feeling lame
being lonely

alive!

that's me. rejoining the land o' the living one toenail at a time.

and i'm eating cake. right now, actually. and puffed wheat.

i have this funny spring-ish type stirring in my soul these days. i'm feeling quite romantic, thinking of skirts and green grass, and wishing it were warmer and sunnier.

and lately, it seems that i'm feeling more romantic in other ways too. i was, until very recently, quite content with my station in life. happy with sweet brothers and generally settled in my singleness. but i've been thinking about these ideas. sneaky ideas, conspiring to infiltrate my consciousness. the idea of holding someone's hand. the idea of sitting across from someone in the grass by the river, staring into his eyes, and being unable to see anyone else or think of anything else. the idea of someone singing to me. the idea of liking these ideas.

more than anything, i've been wishing lately that someone thought i was amazing. and not just, wow, she's a good leader/good teacher/excellent friend amazing. i wish someone thought i was so amazing that they were intrigued by me, unable to stop thinking about me, in awe of the things that make me beautiful and different.

and for all this, i blame valentine's day. darn pink hearts.

today.

i almost died.

i got dizzy. fever. dehydrated.

i fell down and hit my head.

then they wanted $1000 to scan my brain.

no way man. rapid onset flu, they said. possible concussion.

now people are brianna sitting.

i don't like being taken care of.

love is...

different.

i don't think it ever really goes away. it just changes. like remembering when you wanted to marry someone. and then hearing yourself tell the lady who is borrowing your phone in brahms that this person is your brother and these beautiful, intelligent, articulate boys aren't your kids.

and love is hard. like trying to forget someone who helped you become who you are.

but love is also worth it. seeing love in the eyes and the face of someone looking only at you. even after all the crud and gunk that's passed between you, time apart, and cruel words.

it's hard to accept. like god's love. unwarrented. undeserved. largely underappreciated.

but it was still there. just different.

huh.

stressful, much?

okay, so i'm a little behind. my friends are amazing at this blogging every day thing. but me...well you know how it is.

i'm frustrated beyond my ability to put it into words. painful. life is friggin painful.

timothy says my blogging is more vague the closer something is to me. the less important it is, the more specific i am. today i'm feeling... unable to control the pain. i want to talk to someone. something. so, you want specific? you got it.

a while ago i wrote about a relationship in my life that had become quite a bit idolatrous in my own heart, and how i had to cut it off. unfortunately, the party of the second part wasn't cooperative or supportive of this decision. i keep thinking eventually he'll give up and leave me alone. but instead he's become increasingly more...well, clingy and obsessed with the idea that everything has to be okay and "go back to normal". and all the while his actions and decisions hurt more and more. and i fall farther and farther into this pit of mean ugliness, becoming this person who looks and acts nothing like me.

and i can't control it! garbh.

but i promised to try. so yesterday came, and everything else fell apart. without going into great depths of gore, i will say that the things i usually lean on, my family, my friends, my church. they all left me. they fell apart. i was holding them together. with my own broken insides, with my barely-able-to-function heart, i was taking care of them all the best i could. and no one was there to take care of me. because i sent them away.

my defense is to shut everything out. which is mean, particularly in the above-mentioned case. if i'm hardly able to move, 3 seconds away from crying, the last thing i can do is look into the eyes of the one person who has been such a rock for me. who shielded me, held my hand, sat with me, listened. the last thing i can do is look into his eyes and see nothing for me. i can't stand up under that. so i didn't. i hid. and i hurt him yet again. i'm still doing it. today. probably tomorrow. all week.

but i wonder, what else can i do?

i don't feel like there's any other choice.

and as for the rest of this business, i just need to keep taking it. like punches to the face. eventually they'll stop.