presto!

these past few days i've been noticing something.

every time i'm making a decision about where to go. something as small as where to hang out, where to meet someone, what to do with a few minutes of free time... i've done what i didn't initially want to do and it's ended up meaning something incredible.

for example, i wanted to go to starbucks the other night and play cards. instead, my friend wanted to go see her boyfriend, so we went to barnes and noble waaaaaay out east. we ran into these guys that are friends with someone who was with us, i started talking to one of them, and ended up knowing exactly what to say, what to give him to read, and how to understand him in a way that only a fellow music major, accomplished musician, and friends university student (former in my case) could. not to mention, someone had told me the exact thing that i needed to tell him, when i was exactly his age, and in the exact same situation. talk about amazing.

now, you would assume that the following explanation might ensue: god is directing my steps. he is leading me to the situations and conversations that i need to have. he is putting me in people's lives that need to be spoken to through my experience.

okay.

but instead, it kind of freaks me out. i'm not gonna lie.

because let's be honest (well, okay, i'll be honest, maybe you're cooler than me and you don't feel this way) even if my brain knows some schpiel about god and providence, my actual consciousness doesn't know what the crap is going on when things like this happen. it's like a magic trick. i'm in awe. i don't understand. i didn't expect it, even though i went to the magic show. the trick begins, i know what's going to happen, i'm anticipating the end, and to my great shock and surprise, there's the bloody rabbit, and my mouth is hanging open. how did he do that? where did that rabbit come from? holy crap, that's impossible!

didn't i go to the magic show just to see that?

why is my skin all goose-bumpy?

insanity: doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
ridiculousness: repeating futile and illogical sequences of behavior.
insane ridiculousness: "knowing" god's providence in your life and still being genuinely surprised every time an amazing incident occurs (even though i asked for it, and waited for it, and expected it).

or maybe i'm the only one.

karma's a bone-breaking bitch

so a boy (who we shall refer to as disgusto) told me that my broken thumb was karma for not wanting to "get to know him". which is funny. and gross. since he's still married.

but i think disgusto is about to give up. which means all you crazies have a day or so to get in line. because the spot goes quickly when it opens up.

it would be funny if it weren't so darn true. *sigh*

this has all led me to ponder something today. objectification.

what happens when a person that you admire and feel a connection to becomes less important than the idea of what you think they ought to be in relation to you? when is control of the situation more important than respecting the wishes of someone you care about?

i have these two friends. both of them guys. both of whom i respect very much and think the men of the world could really learn from.

sam beam* (not his real name, but the real name of one of his favorite musicians) and i were talking about differentiation the other night (morning?). differentiation between love and lust.

lust says, i must have you now. not your mind, not your heart. well, only those if it gets me closer to accomplishing the result that i feel compelled to pursue. i will persuade, insist, cajole, and otherwise manipulate you into acting/feeling/thinking the way that i want you to. lust is selfish. lust is about the pursuer.

love is different. love is patient. love is kind. recognize that? love is about accomplishing a shared goal, or the glorification and respect of the other. love is never manipulative, selfish, or insistent. love is not desperate or cruel. love grows beautiful things in your life. love is about the beloved.

good gracious that's a smart boy :)

stevie ray* (see above) was comforting me in my frustration at being pursued in such a revolting way. he is very good at comforting me. this is because he's one of the best friends i've ever had and favorite people of all time. i was responding to a comment he had made, when it hit me. i am being objectified.

suddenly, the frustration of being pursued with lust as the sole motivation became less personal and tragedy less imminent. i, the pursued, could finally see the actions of the pursuer as those of desperation and grasping for control. he had decided what he wanted, and my objections were standing in the way of his ability to carry out those desires. it wasn't about me anymore. it was about the pursuer.

stevie ray confirmed this. and assured me that my attempts to hold myself to a ridiculously high standard and keep my relationships holy and righteous were not in vain. that i deserved better. that we all did.

bless his darlin' heart :)

at the end of all this is the idea that disgusto is not alone in his objectification of others. we all do this. all the time. in fact, we do this to god. well, i know that i do. as i was pondering praying for disgusto and his marriage, i was reminded (via a swift kick in the face) that i treat god in much the same way. i am constantly seeking my own outcome, having already made up my mind how things should be. i care not for the desires and glorification of my beloved, but for his response to me and execution of MY will.

*shivers*

ugly no matter how you look at it. i think we should stop doing this.

you have made my day

even if it's a dream.

alright. i admit it. i'm having a torrid love affair.
very secret. kind of embarassing.
we aren't really involving anyone else.
it's been going on for quite some time, but things are really starting to heat up.

a lot of people think i'm crazy. a bit obsessed.
i should be focusing on more important things...
like my new job.
or getting one that pays more.

but i can't stay away from him.
i want to be thinking about him, listening to songs about him.
every song is a love song.
every song makes me want to dance.
every moon, every cloud, every tree.
all of them romantic beyond belief.

and things are hard right now. really hard.
he showed up just in time.
swept me clean off my feet.
he's been trying forever to get my attention.
even when i'm crying he can make me laugh until it hurts.
the best part is, i can trust him completely, he makes me feel so safe.

i have sold my life to the cause of making sure everyone knows how this feels.
i feel like i can't keep this to myself.
i want to sing and dance around and giggle.
he's made everything so beautiful.

yeshua. my jesus.
son of god.
your name is graven on my wrist.
you've given everything for me. and all you want in return is me.
why do you want me? what could i do for you that would make it worth your while?
hold my face in your hands and tell me i'm yours.
i don't need to know the reasons why.
your gift was unimaginable. how can i keep it to myself?

you have made my day
even in stormy weather.
and i'm dancing in a parade
cause you make bad days better.

great is the way that i am unafraid
when i see you
all my fear goes away

if you'd just realize what i just realized...

*sigh* dreamy day.

if i hadn't had a migraine i'd have worked all day.
but i had one. so i didn't.

if you miss me you should tell me. i feel like i never see anybody.

p.s. the people i work with make it totally worth it. usually.

concession

so i've been thinking. usually i assume that no one reads this. my former sunday school teacher, and a huge amazing positive influence and example in my life, reminds me often (love you, alan) that this is not so. well, apparently it's not so.

upon further reflection, it seems that imposing on you all the idea that you should not work for a church, is not my place or my actual intention. i'm just so frustrated. i loved working for the church, even when it was hard. and boy was it hard. but i'm starting to wonder where my life is going.

there's a john mayer song, "stop this train." i've been thinking about it, listening to it a lot. stop this train, i wanna get off and go home again, i can't take the speed it's moving in, i know i can't but honestly won't someone stop this train?

i do have some positive things to say though. i do not hate the church i work for. i do not hate the church universally. i do not hate christians in general. i hate the way i feel right now. and i am begging god for the assurance that it is going to get better. because i believed i should be here. i believed it so much that i came back here. i believe it now so much that i've bypassed huge amounts of money, all kinds of incentives, to stay here and be broke all the time and worry myself to death. because i love god. because i love my family here. because i believe that there are things more important than my ever fluctuating happiness.

i'd have quit my job yesterday if i didn't, TRUST ME.

this is a good time for me to admit that i need some help. i need someone to stand back, try not to jump on me, not draw crazy conclusions, and just tell me they understand and they love me. i haven't heard that once.

and understand the risk i take by explaining all this. i am often misunderstood, and i hate opening myself up to scrutiny like this. but i have to do something to explain that last, cryptic, hastily written, inflammatory post.

be blessed not by my negativity, but by my honesty.

it's all coming back to me now...

i think i finally understand why they call it "heavy heart" when you're sad. it feels like lead.

i don't suppose i have a lot to say. most things are in my mind and have no words to go with them.

everything will be fine.

anyway, people should go swimming. it's really hot outside.

batter my heart, o three personed god!

my chest feels heavy today. weighted. i'm so tired.

sleep is a blessing we often take for granted i think. and when it's denied us, we see it for it's full import.

if i wrote here every day, i might tell you that nothing around me seems to change, but i feel like everything is so different from moment to moment that i can barely conceive of the magnitude of the constant changing and spinning. i've been thinking. in christ, we have this glorious opportunity to remain the same, constant, identified, yet take on whatever identity we choose at any given moment at our own will. and this luxury he has afforded us....because? because it's what we want. and a lover pays attention only to the ultimate happiness of the beloved. that's why. that's why he follows us around, making all of himself so available, so present, that we need only feel the slightest bit inclined to look at him and we're washed over with his power and majesty. and to think. all that glory and beauty, searching and aching for me.

i read in a magazine not long ago that women should choose men who feel lucky to have them. in other words, if the woman is more important, beautiful, worthy, then the man will never cheat on her, always appreciate her, never take her for granted. but if the man is the more glorious one, then she'd better watch out, because there would be no reason for him to limit himself only to her when he could clearly do better. and with this message permeating every inch of our culture and consciousness, how could we ever understand or learn to trust someone or something so great and vast that chose to pursue us relentlessly at the cost of his own dignity and very life. that just sounds silly doesn't it. it's so counterintuitive.

but i think that the plan of the great distractor has always been to make us feel unloved. to get in the middle of this romance and make it seem silly and fallacious. like a girl asking herself why she ever thought this man could love her in the first place. didn't everyone know that he was so far above her in the first place? didn't they all mock her behind her back, thinking all along that he would never see her or appreciate the beauty and love that she had to offer? didn't she always expect him to throw to the ground the pieces of her heart that she carefully prepared for him and left lain out on display for him to see? and if this is how we were raised, if this is how the deceiver has positioned us in our world, then how could we be expected to believe something so outlandish? how much more patience did god need to have with us as we do the very things to him that we expect him to do to us!

but this wonderful tragedy of broken hearts and healing touches is what makes a relationship with god so essential. it's so important and vital to the human heart that all cultures yearn and strive to please and feel accepted by this god that has planted himself in their hearts from birth. i marvel at the way that people born in the middle of the forest, never having access to a missionary, a king james bible, or a tract with the four laws written all over it, can feel and long for the face of the same god that i have been blessed to feel and long for. it makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to listen to him sometimes. why i have to fight him and mistrust his will for me.

but every day, i'm afforded the ability to be whoever i want to be, and he lets me decide what i'll do and how i'll see him every moment. and like a truly good love, when it's good it's great. and when it's bad....whoa becky.