batter my heart, o three personed god!

my chest feels heavy today. weighted. i'm so tired.

sleep is a blessing we often take for granted i think. and when it's denied us, we see it for it's full import.

if i wrote here every day, i might tell you that nothing around me seems to change, but i feel like everything is so different from moment to moment that i can barely conceive of the magnitude of the constant changing and spinning. i've been thinking. in christ, we have this glorious opportunity to remain the same, constant, identified, yet take on whatever identity we choose at any given moment at our own will. and this luxury he has afforded us....because? because it's what we want. and a lover pays attention only to the ultimate happiness of the beloved. that's why. that's why he follows us around, making all of himself so available, so present, that we need only feel the slightest bit inclined to look at him and we're washed over with his power and majesty. and to think. all that glory and beauty, searching and aching for me.

i read in a magazine not long ago that women should choose men who feel lucky to have them. in other words, if the woman is more important, beautiful, worthy, then the man will never cheat on her, always appreciate her, never take her for granted. but if the man is the more glorious one, then she'd better watch out, because there would be no reason for him to limit himself only to her when he could clearly do better. and with this message permeating every inch of our culture and consciousness, how could we ever understand or learn to trust someone or something so great and vast that chose to pursue us relentlessly at the cost of his own dignity and very life. that just sounds silly doesn't it. it's so counterintuitive.

but i think that the plan of the great distractor has always been to make us feel unloved. to get in the middle of this romance and make it seem silly and fallacious. like a girl asking herself why she ever thought this man could love her in the first place. didn't everyone know that he was so far above her in the first place? didn't they all mock her behind her back, thinking all along that he would never see her or appreciate the beauty and love that she had to offer? didn't she always expect him to throw to the ground the pieces of her heart that she carefully prepared for him and left lain out on display for him to see? and if this is how we were raised, if this is how the deceiver has positioned us in our world, then how could we be expected to believe something so outlandish? how much more patience did god need to have with us as we do the very things to him that we expect him to do to us!

but this wonderful tragedy of broken hearts and healing touches is what makes a relationship with god so essential. it's so important and vital to the human heart that all cultures yearn and strive to please and feel accepted by this god that has planted himself in their hearts from birth. i marvel at the way that people born in the middle of the forest, never having access to a missionary, a king james bible, or a tract with the four laws written all over it, can feel and long for the face of the same god that i have been blessed to feel and long for. it makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to listen to him sometimes. why i have to fight him and mistrust his will for me.

but every day, i'm afforded the ability to be whoever i want to be, and he lets me decide what i'll do and how i'll see him every moment. and like a truly good love, when it's good it's great. and when it's bad....whoa becky.

you'd like that wouldn't you...

so, i have to tell you... i talked about my bird, teapot, that i got a month or two ago.

well.

i lost him under the couch last night! it was very stressful. i am just getting to the place where i can get him out and hold him (despite his frequent and voluminous objections) and we don't scare eachother to death. and then he jumps (do birds jump???) out/off of my hand and after a few cute little hop fly scuttles, makes a b-line for under the couch. crumb. he was hard to find. and i didn't want to squish his little cuteness with the legs of the couch by moving it to make him easier to find.

eventually he hopped out from behind it and tried to hide behind my guitar, which was MUCH easier to move without murdering him accidentally. we reached a screeching biting agreement and he went to sleep with a cleaner mirror and new treats to eat while he recovered from his adventure and subsequent heart attack(s).

goodness.

his name was robert paulson.

i am jack's complete lack of focus.

i'm not even trying to play...

so i was talking to my friend just now. she used to work at the coffee shop i'm currently sitting in. i saw that her facebook said that she was feeling like shit. thinking she was sick, i messaged her and asked what was up. we weren't so very close when she was here, mind you. i mean, i saw her mostly every day because she worked in my second home here. but then she moved away, and i continue to come here, but she does not. so that sort of ended the whole convenient friendship thing.

well, she's fighting with her boyfriend. that sucks. i know. but she's not dying of polio or something like that. so, we got to talking about a guy who's hanging up his art here. he's going to use a painting that's covered right now, to propose to his girlfriend. i told her about it, and mentioned that i was jealous. this lead to a conversation about both of us having been engaged before, and then all that goes along with that.

this is where the interesting part comes in. this girl, a preppy, gorgeous, cheerleader type girl, says she feels like something in her is broken. like she can fall in love with someone until she's really in love and then it breaks. something changes. she basically says to me exactly what i feel inside myself. like my inabililty to actually move forward with someone is really beyond my control in a way. i can't stop quitting before i ever really get started. which leads me to believe that i might not be as big of a freak as i think i am. is it possible that this is common in our culture? lack of committment isn't just a joke to be made at the expense of boys.

but i have to go. more on this later. ruminate on it for me, will ya?

what kind of day was this?

i'm sitting here, in the middle of the night. on a couch that isn't mine. in a house where i do not live. using a computer that isn't mine. wearing a sweatshirt that isn't mine. drinking milk that isn't mine. waiting for someone who isn't coming down the stairs.

depressing as it seems, it is yet quite comforting. i like this place. it's a good life we have.

the heater is squeaking strangely. i've never noticed it before. maybe it's because it's so quiet now. so very quiet. you see, i'm at the boys' house. matthew's been gone for a few days, and he's home, but he's sleeping now. i didn't even see him when i came in, because he has to work at 6 am. and i took josh to the airport today with travis. now they're in portland. so he's going to be gone for several days. but i came back tonight. and here i sit. mostly because i might not actually live here, but it's more comfortable for me to sit on this couch alone, no real excuse for being here, than it is to sit in my own house alone, listening to my bird tell me how much he hates being alone. i agree with him.

i miss the boys. i miss my family.

i like the comforting silence of sleeping households. i told someone the other day that my ideal life would be standing in my darkened house some day. i'll be old, tired, and so very happy. i want to have so many children and grandchildren that i have to step all around and over them to get to the bathroom on christmas eve night. and i'll stand in the door way smiling, my heart warm and full. then i'll know that feeling of completion, having accomplished the most deeply imbedded of god's desires for my life.

so that's why i'm here. other people might not understand why it's perfectly acceptible for me to be sitting here like this. they might not even understand what it means to me to just be here right now. but i know. and the boys know. we're a family of our own. we chose each other. i like to know they're sleeping safely. wherever they are. i like to feel the warmth of knowing we're in the same house. i feel a little less myself when they've been gone for long.

i hope for everyone to know this feeling at some point. as much and as often as possible really.

thanks be to god.

i owe ya one...

things you always wished you knew about me...

my grandparents were born in ireland. so i'm no st. patrick's day poser :)
i love olives. particularly kalamata olives.
listening to the clash makes me think of jesus.
i hate good friday.
i love my daddy more than any other man on earth and i'll marry a man just like him.
wearing heels makes me feel cute and important.
pretty music makes me cry. every time.
i like boys who are the opposite of clean and pretty. and let's hear it for the stubbly beards!

it's so pretty today. i loved laying in bed under the covers, knowing i had nowhere to be, listening to the rain on the metal air conditioner in my window. i loved standing at the door in my pj's and robe, watching the rain wash my driveway and clean off my car.

my bird thinks it's always night time i think because it's been gray and rainy since he came home. oh yeah, i got a new friend. his name is teapot, and he's a blue-green parakeet. he's just lovely. i simply adore him. i'm teaching him to say his name, and whistle the nbc chord. n, b, c. teapot and i are going to be very happy together. i will start trying to hold him tomorrow. wish me luck! he just started making birdy noises today, so i think he's starting to loosen up, but he'll bite me a lot for the next few weeks until we're used to eachother. the girl at the pet store told me he was just a baby though, so it shouldn't draw blood, just pinch a bit. he already proved her wrong. i took him out of his bath tub last night and he bit my finger pretty good, made the cuticle bleed. but he's still the gall-dern cutest thing i've ever seen. n, b, c. :)

finally, in other news, the fight club is an amazingly dark and beautiful movie. i still have no idea what it's about and i've seen it twice. fantastic.

if you could get a telegram from any figure in history, who would you choose, and what would it say? my answer will follow in the next post. ready, go!

things i do not like, and things i do like (not in that particular order of course...)

i like:
sleeping
eating things i should
eating things i should not
taking a bath at night before bed
feeling in control
warm weather with skirts and small shoes
the rain through the windows
album leaf #5

i do not like:
feeling stressed
being with people when i'd rather be alone
people knowing me and refusing to leave me alone
being too busy to be happy
missing my mama and daddy
feeling lame
being lonely

alive!

that's me. rejoining the land o' the living one toenail at a time.

and i'm eating cake. right now, actually. and puffed wheat.

i have this funny spring-ish type stirring in my soul these days. i'm feeling quite romantic, thinking of skirts and green grass, and wishing it were warmer and sunnier.

and lately, it seems that i'm feeling more romantic in other ways too. i was, until very recently, quite content with my station in life. happy with sweet brothers and generally settled in my singleness. but i've been thinking about these ideas. sneaky ideas, conspiring to infiltrate my consciousness. the idea of holding someone's hand. the idea of sitting across from someone in the grass by the river, staring into his eyes, and being unable to see anyone else or think of anything else. the idea of someone singing to me. the idea of liking these ideas.

more than anything, i've been wishing lately that someone thought i was amazing. and not just, wow, she's a good leader/good teacher/excellent friend amazing. i wish someone thought i was so amazing that they were intrigued by me, unable to stop thinking about me, in awe of the things that make me beautiful and different.

and for all this, i blame valentine's day. darn pink hearts.