or are you beautiful because i love you?

i like this. a lot.

also, go here http://www.savebluelikejazz.com/ . this book saved me from imminent crash and burn. changed my life. made me who i am today. i found jesus and his big, huge, beautiful heart through this book. i don't have any money, because i am a missionary. but at least pray for them, even if you can't give. this will reach millions with the truth! (and i don't mean that in a hokey way. this is for real. the love of jesus here, folks.)

so i've been swamped lately, working on my big fundraiser. i'm a little bit nervous.... but i know it always comes in the end. i've never been dropped or left out in the cold yet. so stay tuned. you're all always a big part of these things. when the plan is made, you'll find it here!

peace.

i'm a buffalo soldier

i think of all the types of days i've encountered over the years, cloudy ones with a touch of wind are my favorite. you know, the long pants, light sweatshirt, and maybe a scarf or two, types. a little sigh just escaped as i sat down. my menagerie strewn about me, books, pens, grapes. sitting in the window. gorgeous fall colors all around. settling in for the long haul. this is my home for real. no matter where home is.

i think my heart is more able to be quiet because of the glorious blessings of the morning. i woke up early. early enough to make a couple of loaves of banana-peach chocolate chip bread (which i can personally testify to you, is quite delicious). i was wondering at the idea that waiting for things to bake is sacred time. it's time when focus on much else will cause catastrophe, and you are granted that span of moments to bask in the smell and feel of creating something (and the lovely proof that you are not totally bereft of talent at that whole being a woman thing, ahem). so i can check that off the list. of all the things i cannot or have not made, i am a madwoman with fruit breads involving bananas :)

my next appointment of the day was to speak to a sunday school class for some friends of mine. they wanted to hear about bolivia and what i have been up to the past couple of years. i was terrified. now, keep in mind, particularly if you are one of the lovely ladies who invited me, that the last time i spoke for a sunday school class at my church, i was sharply reprimanded and sent out as soon as i was done, for taking up time (that was alloted to me, i didn't ask for it), by a horrifying woman who has no sense of social propriety or company manners. yes, kids, that sometimes happens at church. so i came into this, knowing logically that these were my friends, but feeling a little jumpy at the same time. only to find....

i have never felt such peace and welcome in my life! loralee and carissa..... if you read, you have to know that your interest in my life and support for me and for my project are what makes it possible for me to hold on like i do. you help me be what you admire most about me. so thank you :) from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

so now here i sit. ready to contemplate the meaning of life (ha). and bask in every kind of provision as it has been granted to me. glory be!

here's a picture of the joy of my heart to brighten your day as you go....

you are good when there's nothing good in me...

you know what i love?

coffee. like a lot. okay, probably too much.... so that's what i'm up to right now. tee hee.

i love the band crooked still, having been introduced to them by my sister sarah. this girl's voice is unbelievable!

i have loved having my darling katie here with me these past few days. yesterday we spent the afternoon with sarah and baby ethan, and heaven met earth for a moment. isn't he perfect??? i might be a little biased :) (he's rocking his bluegrass bandana on the left, and getting auntie kate and nona kisses on the right)

these girls are two of my three. there really is nothing like sarah, kate, and i being in the same place. and god gave us 3 or 4 good days together. bluegrass festivals, pizza parties, and lots of auntie time with the little punkin head :) oh, glory!

my heart has been so heavy lately with a happy burden. i've been praying and praying about the future and what god is doing with my community here. specifically with the NEXT community. and it all seems to good to be true. NEXT is the service we have at 6 on sunday nights in the back of the coffee shop. we started it 4 years ago when i moved back to wichita. i actually moved back specifically to do this ministry, and four years later, we are going strong. lately it seems, with the unrest and starvation i have been wading through spiritually, i am more and more drawn to the idea that those around me must be starving as well. and i am prepared now to take responsibility for that. or at least to begin moving in that direction.

we need a goal. we need a purpose to push is forward as a community. to bind us together. we need honesty and grace. not just to talk about and uphold grace, but to live it and exercise it. and the burden i have been given is to steer my people in that direction. god's given me the vision. so here i go!

also, i love sleepovers. i love sleepovers with leta reppert. in the guest house behind HOH. woot.

till the sun turns black

i borrowed this picture from a blog that i have begun to read most every morning. farmama. she is amazing! i love her thoughts and wisdom. her regard for the land, love for her family. she's such an inspiration to me!

it's been prodding at me to figure out what i really want out of life. i have spent several hours in the car pondering, and i have some ideas.

when i grow up (ahem) i want to be a professor. of anthropology. i want to write interesting (to me) things and publish them for other nerdy people who want to understand human nature and its crazy tendencies. i want to spend too much time reading books. and spend too much time with my family and friends. i want to have too many nieces, nephews, and godchildren, cluttering up my space and messing up my cleanliness. i want to spend my days slowly. in awe of all the small things around me. growing things. teaching piano lessons. i am really excited that i get to start now.

i am sitting here in this little coffee shop, in my old home town, reading pete rollins' blog. mmmhmmm, good stuff :) i am so in love with his brain.... anyway. the september 1st post was really interesting, speaking of love, being in love, and what it really means to love someone purely for who they are. it sort of reminds me of how i think god feels about us. in a microcosmic sort of way, of course.

"If someone asks why you love them there is something obscene in the mere listing of traits. For while these may contribute to your connection with the other, love addresses something deeper. It is attached to a property unlike all other properties. I may like you because you are attractive, interesting and creative, but I love you because you are you. Because there is something excessive about you that emanates from the totality of your attributes but which cannot be reduced to them."

similarly, where grace is concerned, we tend to look for ways to earn the love of our father. ways to make it worth his while. and the funniest part of that is that it's akin to trying to name the thing that makes you love your soul mate. the children of your loved ones. your best friend. nigh impossible, says i. it's the warmth. the little tingle that brings the smile to your face. the recognition of that thing that binds your souls. like breathing deeply in the morning.

i love it that he thinks of me that way :) and i adore seeing the evidence of that alive in my life. be blessed today, beloved.

in the still of the night

i have decided to force you all to read my blog. why? because it is pretty. and i like it better than facebook notes. so here it is, the attempt. will i succeed..... ?

i thought i would begin by updating you with the great blessings i find crowding around me these days. god has been so good to meet all of my needs in strange and outrageous ways. i have found myself with a beautiful little apartment just down the street from my favorite house i ever lived in, in my favorite part of town. i have a wonderful phone, and the same as the apartment, it is thanks to the lovely leta and her generosity while she is away. i am slowly working back into schedules, meetings, ministry, and beginning to contemplate the idea of working on my actual "work" again. vacation is about over....

tonight, i am sitting here in the kitchen, facing the new burgundy mums that miss kate davis so sweetly gifted me a few days ago. a big bowl of ripe bananas, peaches, and avocados sits next to my jar of teas for the mornings. the windows are open to let in the cool air, and i can hear the crickets chirping outside. even the wind rustling the leaves of the trees registers somewhere in my senses. i am in pajamas, drinking apple juice, thanking god for my wonderful family, my precious community, and the life that is so much more than i could have ever dreamed or asked for.

granted, everything is not perfect. nearly always, there is a point in the day when i long for what i do not have. i want to speak spanish. i can't understand the culture here. i am hungry for a decent papaya. and sometimes i miss the anonymity and solitude of the life i live daily in bolivia. especially when the time flies by here, filled with meeting after meeting, appointment after appointment, and everyone clamors for attention from me, disappointed when they cannot have it all.

but more than anything, i am just relieved. this is my country. this is my home. these are my friends, my chosen family, really. my parents are just a few hours away. i can call my brother and sister on the phone whenever i want. and most of all, i see such beauty and calm settling over a heart that has strained and yearned too long for rest and comfort. it has finally arrived. and i intend to enjoy it to the fullest :)

no place like home...

so i've been missing for a while. i will save you the exhaustive update.

i am alive. some things happened. i survived. i am home.

i'm currently in that hibernatory state that occasionally creeps up on me when i am overwhelmed.

and i am overwhelmed.

don't get me wrong. i am so happy to be home, just totally peopled out. i am sure it is only for the day. right now i am hiding in a strategic location, gloriously lost in looking at pretty fabric patterns and contemplating the future activities in my visit. praying for my friend and her family in the loss of her mom. dreaming about my project and seeking that new perspective that will launch me when i return to it in october. missing my family like crazy. worrying about money.

and i am so grateful for it all :)

so good to be home again.

take only what you need from it

quite a day yesterday. it occurs to me that i would dearly love to be working in a coffee shop today. reading a book. talking to people. watching the sun move over the floor tiles. i've grown quite impatient waiting for who knows what to happen so we can get started.

yesterday i began a consulting arrangement with a hotel here in cocha. a really beautiful, peaceful, expensive hotel :) not only did i have the time of my life, i realized how much i miss getting to really work. watching someone's face when i make them a drink that they've never had before. something amazing they didn't know was possible. and the smell....

of the air that drifted through the halls. drawing people in from the gardens. in my clothes last night when i put on my pajamas. in my nose when i left, tempting me to return. that smell when i got the grind just right, and pulled the perfect shot, in just the right amount of time.... *sigh*

i miss that. tomorrow they are delivering my furniture for the smaller cafe in the hospital. after it arrives, i will take a picture, and go out to find beautiful things to add to the shelves and counter space to make it lovely. i'm so ready. we won't make much money there. but it's the idea of it. something beautiful and different. something to comfort the people waiting.

coffee is such an amazing thing :)